In My Own Time
by IAmHayleyDaughterOfAthena
Summary: Rachel has a horrible past, full of pain and heartache. When it seems like things couldn't be any worse, she decides to move on. She befriends Brittany and Santana, and for the first time in years, she actually feels like someone cares. But what will happen when she realises she is falling for one of them? Can Santana uncover Rachel's secrets, and help her before it's too late?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! So this is my second Glee fanfiction! It is a Pezberry fic this time **** I love this pairing (even though I prefer Brittana on Glee) and I hope you enjoy this **** Very Special shout out to my amazing beta reader and friend: RebeccaRipple! Thank you so much, you are awesome! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. If I did, Klaine would not have broken up *****cries hysterically*****, in fact they probably would be married ;)**

I can't stand for it any longer. I am going to prove them wrong. I am going to prove myself wrong. I am more than a scarred girl, with a major beauty handicap and an unhealthy love of books. I can make friends. And I am going to prove it.

I slam my book shut with determination, and stand, surprised at the tightness in my legs from sitting so long. I hear a snicker to my left; probably some girls who are amused by my face, which had previously been hidden behind my book.

I let a shiver run through my body, shaking the feeling of doubt that surrounds my thoughts. I begin walking, casting my eyes around the cafeteria, trying to find someone, anyone, who is alone, so I can join them. I am beyond nervous, but I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.

For the first time, I noticed how many students there are in the school. I had never thought that there were this many. I felt quite insignificant, walking amongst them all, but then again, I almost always felt insignificant. In elementary school, I was a big shot, the most talented and well-liked girl in the school. But that was before the accident; before my life changed forever. I hardly even attended middle school, and my freshman year marked me as a loser. Now I am scum, walking hopelessly in a place where I don't belong.

Girls and boys who I pass laugh, at my face, my height, probably my weight too. I want to shrink away to the corner of the room and pretend that I don't exist, but that would be giving them what they want. I am not going to give them the satisfaction of scaring me into the darkness. Not again.

That's when I see her; the blonde cheerleader -Brittany S. Peirce- drawing on a single piece of paper. The weird thing is, she seems to be alone. I look around me, trying to find some sign of her best friend, Santana, but she is nowhere in sight.

Tentatively I make my way towards Brittany, my nerves causing me to shake uncontrollably and my throat to close up. When I reach her, I open my mouth to speak, but no words come out.

After a moment or so, Brittany notices me standing by her side, and looks up.

"Oh, hey!"

"H-hi." I finally find my voice, knowing I must look like a complete idiot just standing there, doing impressions of a confused goldfish.

"I'm Brittany!" Her niceness amazes me. I mean, I'd heard she is nice, but she _is_ a cheerleader, and I figure a 'nice' cheerleader is just a cheerleader who doesn't throw slushies in the faces of others daily. Especially since she is best friends with Santana Lopez.

"I know, um, I'm Rachel."

"Hey Rachel. Can I help you? But I should warn you- if you want help, don't come to me, I'm not that smart." I laugh at Brittany's easy-going nature and innocence, and in her presence I don't feel quite as awkward.

"No, I just noticed that you were alone, and I was wondering if I could, um, join you."

"I'm not alone, Santana just went to the bathroom."

At these words, my breath catches and I freeze, becoming more uncomfortable by the second. I don't know why I am so surprised. It certainly isn't the first time I've been rejected. And I doubt it will be the last.

"Well I guess I'll be going then. It's been nice, um, talking to you." I choke out, turning to leave.

"Wait, where are you going?" I turn my head back towards her, sure that there is a quizzical expression on my face that matches Brittany's right now.

"I just thought that I would be in the way when Santana comes back."

"Oh, no! I'm sure she won't mind you hanging out with us. Besides, I like you. You're pretty." I subconsciously raise my hand to cover my face, hiding it out of instinct.

"Thanks." Brittany smiles and gestures to the chair next to hers, signalling that she wants me to sit there. I slowly pull the chair from under the table and sit down, only semi-aware of the many eyes that are staring at me, and for the first time, not just because of my scar.

"So, what are you drawing?" I am making small talk, it's true, but I can't deny that I am interested in the blonde cheerleader beside me.

"Oh! I am drawing Lord Tubbington. See? He's eating his favourite food, fondue cheese."

"Lord Tubbington?" I question, not quite understanding, and the picture making it no clearer.

"My cat. He's been very badly behaved this week. He read my diary and then he ate my homework." I look up at Brittany, and then down again at the drawing; is she being serious? The drawing looks like the work of a five-year-old. It is very colourful and mostly made-up of scribble.

I open my mouth to question her, but before I can speak, I see, out of the corner of my eye, Santana, the head cheerleader, standing beside my chair. How long had she been standing there? Had she heard our whole conversation? I keep my head down, figuring she might not bother to talk to me if I am quiet.

"Hey Britt-Britt. Who's this?" She didn't sound angry or disgusted, just curious. Of course, she hadn't seen my face yet.

"Oh, Sanny! This is Rachel. She's really cool."

"Uh huh." I can no longer fight the urge to look at Santana. She shrugs as if my presence doesn't faze her, but I see her nonchalant expression falter for a moment as she studies my face. I don't really mind, I should be used to it, after all, but it does sting a little.

"Um, what's wrong with your face?" Santana asks bluntly. It's harsh, but at least it's honest and straight to the point. Strangely, when people try to avoid the topic, even though they are so obviously curious, and they stare at me, it's 10 times worse.

"Sanny! It's rude to ask." Brittany hisses to Santana, who has gone to sit on the other side of Brittany.

Santana ignores her and stares at me pointedly, this time looking into my eyes. I gulp, and look away, avoiding her gaze. "I don't really like talking about it. It's kind of personal."

Santana narrows her eyes for less than a second, as if she really cares about what happened. But I must have imagined it, because a second later she shrugs; whatever. "So what are you doing here?" I sigh; glad that our previous conversation- if you can call it that- has ended.

"I just got bored of being teased for being alone, and Brittany was the first person to be nice to me in this place. But I can go if you want. In fact, it's probably for the best if I just- go." The last words come out softer, as my voice dies away.

"No, no, that's not necessary. You can stay." I blink. Santana, the most popular girl in school since Quinn got pregnant was letting me -_me- _stay on the same table in the cafeteria as her? The concept of it was quite difficult to understand.

"O-OK, then", I stutter, confused and delighted at the same time. I won't deny that I am also a bit scared. What if it's a trick? What if she just wants to gain my trust so she can humiliate me in front of the whole school?

But, for whatever reason, I decide to stay. After all, Brittany is nice to me, and she's so precious. And, from what I've seen today, Santana isn't _that_ bad.

After spending the lunch break with them, I am pleasantly surprised. Apparently, Santana likes anyone that Brittany likes. It was actually quite fun, I mean, I didn't talk much, but they made an effort to include me in the conversation. I hope it doesn't end.

_Extract from Rachel Berry's Diary on 14/09/2010_

_Dearest Anne,_

_Sorry I had to stop so suddenly before; it was time for my piano lesson. Now… I was telling you about the best week of school in my life. I hang out with Santana and Brittany every day. They are so nice. Brittany, especially. I love having friends. God, I sound like a 13 year old! I guess it's just nice to be experiencing school the way it should be._

_Love Always, _

_Yours, Kitty_

I gaze into the mirror, trying to see myself as my friends do. But the ability to look past the scar is beyond me. It hides my face, casts a shadow on the beauty beneath. Or, what I like to think is beauty. It's been too long for me to remember how I used to look. So long ago, back to a time where it didn't matter how I looked, nor did I care. How I wish that were the case now.

Abruptly I look away from my reflection, not wanting to sink back into the darkness of self-hatred, which had been a part of my life for far too long.

No. I have to focus on the positives now. I am leaving the old Rachel behind me, along with her self-pity and tears. I have friends who care about me, and I'm not going to have them leave me just because I am a stick in the mud.

I make my way to my bed, trying my best to keep my chin up high, as if that is an indication of my change in attitude towards life.

I lay on my soft mattress, the darkness like a cushion - so close, it's almost suffocating. As time ticks on, I realise I am analysing my life so much I hardly know what anything means anymore. There's one thing I am sure of, though. If Santana and Brittany were to know about my past, they would leave me in a heartbeat.

**So, what did you think? I hope you enjoyed it, there will be a new chapter up soon (I hope) and in the meantime, Please Review, it encourages me so much and makes me feel really happy, (it almost makes up for the Klaine and Brittana break up ;)… )**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey! It's me again. I am so glad I was able to get a new chapter out so soon, but it's mostly because of my awesome beta ****. I have been overwhelmed by the response for my first chapter; I am so glad you like it! Anyway, on with the story!**

I push open the door with more ease than I would have liked. I place my left foot down inside the room, knowing that there is no turning back once they see me.

I take a deep breath and walk in, trying my hardest to look confident. My eyes are immediately drawn to the centre of the room, where 15 or so students sit, listening to my Spanish teacher, Mr Shue.

Brittany catches my eye and waves excitedly, beckoning me to take the empty seat next to her. Sitting on her other side is Santana, who shoots me a small smile when she sees me.

I am halfway to the chair when everyone else starts to notice me. Most of them look shocked, or disgusted, but there are a few who smile at me encouragingly.

"Hey Rachel, what can I do for you?" I look up at Mr Shue, my confidence wavering for just a second.

"I-I would like to join glee club." I am surprised by the enthusiastic look on his face.

"Of course you can join! Let's see your audition then." Mr Shue takes a seat, leaving me standing there by myself, confused and horrified.

"I have to audition?"

Mr Shue shrugs. "Oh, you'll get in anyway; I just want to see what you've got." I gulp. 'C'mon Rachel, you can do it,' I tell myself in desperation. I haven't sung in front of an audience since the accident.

As a song -the perfect song- comes to mind, I take a deep breath and make my way towards the piano. I take a seat on the piano stool and hover my fingers momentarily over the keys.

I start to play, watching my fingers dance across the black and white. For a moment I panic, almost forgetting the lyrics, but a reassuring smile from Brittany helps me to keep from faltering as I begin the song.

_The girl in the chair with the long golden hair _

_Well that used to be me _

_A flirtatious smile unpredictably wild _

_Always trying to please _

_I was always walking one step ahead _

_Or so I thought until the monster crawled into my bed _

_Rewind and erase that shock look on your face _

_'Cause your Mona Lisa is dead _

_A million words a thousand days _

_The girl I used to be _

_Has a terrible case of mistaken identity _

_And yesterday's girl is not what you see _

_It's a terrible case of mistaken identity _

_The sun likes to rise and the moon likes to fall _

_And that's kinda like my life _

_I've played the role of the nice girl next door _

_Who gets cut like a knife _

_Now I'm not looking for apology eyes _

_And I don't want to spend a night on a bed of beautiful lies _

_Erase and rewind leave that sick girl behind and fast forward, fast forward _

I am troubled by the memory of a time when I was so oblivious to my flaws, no matter how obvious they were.

_A thousand days _

_The girl I used to be _

_Has a terrible case of mistaken identity _

_And yesterday's girl is not what you see _

_It's a terrible case of mistaken identity _

_That's not me; it's just not me _

_That's not me _

_The girl I used to be _

_Has a terrible case of mistaken identity _

_And yesterday's girl is not what you see _

_It's a terrible case of mistaken identity_

As the final note dies away, I find I am shocked by the applause that answers my performance. I had forgotten that I was being watched by the glee club. I blush as I stand up and walk as quickly as I can to the seat next to Brittany.

"Wow, Rachel, your voice is amazing!" I smile as widely as possible in Brittany's direction, even though I can't see her through the tears forming in my eyes. I blink them back. I don't want Brittany and Santana – or anyone, for that matter – thinking I am a crybaby who can't handle a stupid song.

"Well, Rachel, I think I speak on behalf of all of us when I say: what an amazing performance that was. I'm very glad you decided to join us! Welcome to the New Directions, Rachel."

I nod towards Mr Shue, acknowledging his kind words. But, for some reason, they don't seem to register. They are empty words that don't mean a thing. Too many times have words of encouragement been said to me for me to really believe them anymore.

For the rest of the class, there are no more performances. After my audition, Mr Shue rambles a bit about getting ready for a competition of sorts; Sectionals, I think.

Surprisingly, I realise I am enjoying myself. The only reason I had agreed to come in the first place was because I got to spend more time with Santana and Brittany, and because it's after school, it's a good way to avoid home.

Glee ends, and with Brittany, I make my way to the door. "Bye Rachel; bye Sanny!" calls Brittany, as she races out of the room, obviously in a hurry for something. The room thins out and I wait for Santana, who is still at the seats, gathering all her belongings into a small laptop bag.

"Hey, Rachel, can you help me with this?" Santana calls across the room.

"Uh, sure." I walk up to where she sits, and I can't quite understand why I am so hesitant to join her. It's not like I've never talked to her before. I considered her a friend. But we had never really spoken before without Brittany.

"What do you need a hand with?" I ask, trying to sound as casual as possible. I am standing only a few metres away from her, but I can smell her scent. It smells subtly of apple and cinnamon – my favourite.

Santana looks me in the eyes and says, slowly, deliberately, "What's wrong, Rach?"

I smile at the nickname, although I am troubled by her words. What did she mean? "Nothing. Why would you think something was wrong?" I answer a little too quickly.

"You just seemed kind of upset, I guess, after you sang that song. Don't get me wrong, you were incredible, but I just wondered if there was something bothering you." I shift my weight to my left foot, trying to think of a way to avoid answering.

"The song just brought back some painful memories, is all." I see the question forming on Santana's lips, so I say quickly, "Memories I would rather not get into right now." She sighs, knowing enough to know when she's been beaten.

"Alright then. See you later, Rach." I watch as she picks up her bag, swings it over her shoulder and walks out, the door closing quietly behind her.

Suddenly I am alone in the room. The silence scared me. I hate being alone; there is nothing to distract me from my memories and thoughts.

I think about going home to my aunt. The thought of it would normally send shivers through my spine, but right now, even home doesn't sound too bad.

**So, what did you think? I would like to thank ****beccah21, Brialuvsme, xphrnzrjh, beaner008, dayabieberxo, VickiiMadd, sillystarshine and Kazper for reviewing ****. You have made my week. Thanks to everyone who read and followed and favourited this story. I appreciate it so much! Special thanks to my amazing beta reader: RebeccaRipple, She is an incredible beta and amazing friend. **

**Thanks again, and please review, it really helps me write, and makes me feel really, really happy ****.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! So, I have a new chapter up, yay! I hope you enjoyed the last chapter and I hope you enjoy this one. I have been overwhelmed yet again by the feedback to the last 2 chapters. I am very grateful. Very big shout out to my dear friend and beta reader, RebeccaRipple, who has been amazing. On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee… which you probably have realized I do not own by the fact that Klaine and Brittana broke up!**

The handle turns and the door opens. My eyes search for a face. My ears are pricked for a sign of her presence.

When I am satisfied that I am alone in the house – I would have heard her if she were here; she's never been one to be quiet – I let out the breath I had been holding, and make my way up the stairs, two at a time, until I reach the landing.

I drag my feet to my bedroom, and I fall onto my bed, emotionally exhausted. I look at my watch. If she isn't home now, there is a good chance she is at Jake's house. If that is the case, then she won't be home for a few hours at least.

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, I am awoken by the sound of crashing and breaking glass. It was Dayna. My aunt.

"Hobbit! You come down here right now! And don't you dare make me wait!"

I am halfway to the stairs by the time she finishes speaking. I know from experience what can happen if I take longer than 15 seconds.

When I am standing a few metres away from her, I wait quietly, knowing it's best just to let her yell at me, even though I've no idea what I did wrong.

I take in Dayna's appearance. She is wearing a skirt so short; I can see her pink underwear. Her blonde, pink-streaked hair sticks out at all angles, and her lipstick is smeared almost everywhere but on her lips.

Yep. She was definitely at Jake's. I cringe visibly as I notice the broken vase in pieces, scattered over the floor. My grandma's old vase. A flash of anger runs through me. How dare she touch my grandmother's things? I am distracted from my thoughts by my aunt's voice.

"What have you been doing?" Dayna's voice is dangerously calm and soft.

"W-what?" I tremble, the fear piercing me.

"What have you been doing?" She narrows her eyes, as if she were staring into my soul.

"I-I was asleep", I mumble, terrified at where this was heading.

"Ha! You lazy, ungrateful bum!" She is no longer calm. I am still confused as to why she is angry, but it certainly isn't the first time something like this had happened.

Dayna picks up the wine glass that she had brought home with her, and hurls it in my direction. Luckily, her aim is pretty bad, due to her condition, but I still have to dodge the broken pieces that fly everywhere when the glass shatters against the wall.

"I do so much for you. I feed you, look after you, give you a bed, and how do you repay me? By coming home and resting, leaving me to come home to a pigsty! You're so ungrateful! It's no wonder your parents left you." I can't help but think about how unfair the whole situation is. The words should have no effect on me, as I have heard them a million times before, but I am hurt by the truth in the words. My parents did leave me. And it hurts every day.

"I'm going upstairs, and when I come back down, I expect this place to be spotless. And if it isn't, you're not getting any dinner, and you can sleep outside again. Now get your ugly and disfigured face outta my sight."

I stay frozen for a second too long, and don't move in time to dodge her hand hitting me across my cheek. "Go!" I don't need to be told again. I race out of the room, trying my best to avoid stepping on the broken pieces of glass.

I wait for the sound of her footsteps to retreat up the stairs before I start cleaning. My face is still stinging, but the words hurt more. They always do.

I am sitting down in my usual place beside Brittany in the cafeteria. Brittany is showing me pictures of her stuffed animals, when Santana approaches the table. But instead of sitting in her usual seat next to Brittany, she sits beside me.

"Oh, hey San!" Brittany says when she spots Santana, her voice full of energy as always.

"Hey Britt, Rach." Brittany's smile widens. She always seems happy. I envy her for that. Santana bites into her apple and inspects me.

"Rach, why do you never eat lunch?" I swallow. I was _not _expecting that.

"Um," I say, trying to come up with a believable excuse. "I do eat it, I just eat it at my locker; I'm a fast eater." Santana doesn't seem satisfied with that answer, but she doesn't say anything more. Sometimes I kind of wish my friends didn't care quite so much.

"So, Rachel! Me and Sanny have cheerleading practice today after school. Wanna come and watch?" I look at Brittany, surprised by her invitation. "Well – I…"

"She can't make it." Santana cuts me off. I stare at her, the confusion building inside my head.

"I- I can't?"

"No, you can't. Remember?"

The look Santana gives me tells me all I need to know. She is silently asking me not to argue, because she doesn't want me there. This hurts. Santana is ashamed of me. Why didn't I see it before? I feel like I should be mad, but I'm not. She has every right to be ashamed. I am a loser. An ugly, damaged loser. I thought having friends would change that, or at least make me so happy that I didn't care about my social status, but obviously not.

"Yeah, I um, have a lot of homework." I squirm in my seat for a moment, and then I stand up, anxious to leave quickly.

"Rachel, where are you going?" Brittany questions, "Lunch isn't over yet."

"I, um, have to go catch up with a teacher, about an English essay." I lie, and start moving towards the cafeteria door.

Santana watched me walk away, with a hint of sadness etched onto her face. Wait, sadness? I thought she would be happy that I am leaving her alone. That's what she wants, isn't it?

**So, that's chapter 3. I really hope you enjoyed it, and I would love it if****you left me a review so I know you like it. Thanks****to****xphrnzrjh, ****Em (Guest), jinglyjess, ****Brialuvsme and dayabieberxo for reviewing, I appreciate the support so much. Thanks to everyone who favourited or followed the story. Please review; it makes me really happy. The next chapter should be up soon.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey! It's me again. I am so grateful for every person who is following the story and especially all the reviewers. You don't know how happy they make me. Very big shout out to my amazing friend and beta reader, RebeccaRipple. Honestly, she is amazing. On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee…. Honestly I have no witty remark this time, sorry.**

I pull my chemistry books out of my locker, but drop them when my history books fall out of my locker and into my arms, before landing on the floor.

I sigh, and drop to my knees. "Hey, you need help with that?" That voice. I know that voice. I lift my head. It sounds like-

"Santana?" I gulp. "What are you doing here? You made it quite clear that you didn't want to be seen with me the other day."

"Rach, what are you talking about? You didn't even eat with us yesterday. Brittany missed you."

"The day before yesterday, when Brittany asked me to watch you at cheerleading practice…"

"Rach, I didn't do that because I don't want to be seen with you! I really like spending time with you. It's just…" Santana wears a look of desperation on her face that I never thought I'd see. "I didn't want to see you get hurt. Some of those cheerleaders… they're ruthless, vile. I knew if you were there, you would be an easy target. You don't deserve to be treated like that."

Santana grabs my history books, stands up and places them into my locker. "Bye, Rachel." She turns and walks away, leaving me on the floor, overwhelmed by my emotion.

_Extract from Rachel Berry's Diary on 2/10/10_

_Dearest Anne,_

_I am so confused. She actually cares. She came up to me today and told me she didn't want to see me get hurt. She's so beautiful. I feel… I haven't felt this way in a while. Not since- no. Don't think about that. It was just a phase. I. Like. Boys. Santana is just a friend. Don't mistake friendship for attraction._

_Oh, Anne, sometimes I wish I were you. No complications, no hurt feelings, no regrets. Just living peacefully with grandma. Is it nice, where you are? I hope so, for your sake. You deserve the best._

_Love always,_

_Yours, Kitty_

"So, favourite movie?" I think for a moment.

"How to lose a guy in 10 days." Santana looks at me with a questioning expression on her face. She is obviously surprised at my choice of movie.

"Oh, I love that movie! It's almost as good as Sesame Street!" Brittany squeals, making me giggle.

"Really, Britt? Really?" Questions Santana, shaking her head in mock despair.

"So what's yours then?" I challenge, staring right back into those hazel-brown eyes.

"The Blind Side." Santana replies immediately. I falter for a second. I wasn't expecting that.

"Liar, I bet you just love watching romantic comedies. With your cat." I retort. Santana laughs out loud.

"Only if there's chocolate." The three of us burst out laughing. We are starting attract attention in the cafeteria, but for once, I don't mind.

We go on to talk about our favourite subjects and teachers. We exchange awkward and embarrassing childhood memories. For this, I stay mostly quiet. My past is not something I want to discuss just yet.

"Rachel, favourite musical?" I laugh. I hadn't expected a question like that from Brittany.

"Sound of music… and A Very Potter Musical."

"Oh, my god. No way. You know AVPM?" Santana is on the edge of her seat, eyes wide.

"Don't tell me you've heard of it?" I all but squeal.

"Are you kidding? It's like my favourite musical of all time! I must've seen it like 20 times!" I gape at her. She can't be serious.

"Me too! I love Harry Potter!"

Santana laughs. "I know, right! He's so supermegafoxyawesomehot!"

It isn't long until tears of laughter appear on our cheeks, as Brittany (who, it turns out, knows of it too) quotes Dumbledore; "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

This is the most fun I've ever had. Everything, in this moment, feels right. No one is laughing at me, or staring at me, and I am filled with joy. I can't remember ever having this much fun.

My old therapist was convinced that I must have had a happy memory somewhere, but I could never think of one. The very reason I was talking to her was because of the horrible and traumatizing events in my life.

-Flashback—

"Now, I want you to think about today's session, and focus on thinking positively. I'll see you next week." Easy for her to say, she wasn't the one who was depressed. She didn't lose her whole family and have her heart broken into thousands of pieces in the last year. She didn't have to experience that.

I pulled on my coat, and headed outside. I was walking home again, in the cold. I hated the cold; it has always made me glum. I was a summer girl. The rest of my family liked the winter; they loved to snuggle around the fire, wrapped in blankets.

Pain shoots through my skull as I think of my family; my sister, my parents. And Emily. Ok, she wasn't technically my family, but she meant as much as they did, and she left me just like the rest of them. My therapist was pushing me to get better; to move on and forget. But I didn't want to. Not then, anyway. I will, though. In my own time.

The cold engulfed me, and I did the only thing that gave me comfort, that I still had faith in. Singing.

_So much is happening to me._

_So much that I can't even see._

_So many words of wisdom that I am trying to be._

_Catch me if I should fall._

_And even more so while I'm standing tall._

_My head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy._

_I'm spinning around and it's making me ill._

_You don't understand what I'm going through just to find a way to climb._

_It'll be in my own time._

_It'll be in my own time._

_Whispering thoughts in all different ways._

_That I'm in a daze._

_My head is spinning around and it's making me dizzy._

_I'm spinning around and it's making me ill._

_You don't understand what I'm going through just to find a way to climb._

_It'll be in my own time._

_'cause it'll be in my own time._

_In my own time._

_In my own time I'll take a chance._

_In my own time I'll find romance. In my own time._

_It'll be mine._

_After the clouds there'll be the rain._

_After the sun there'll be the moon it doesn't matter._

_'cause it'll be in my own time_

-End Flashback—

I think back to then, when everything seemed so hopeless, so painful, and life not worth living. That was the time in my life when I had lost everything, a time when my life was turned upside down. But I think I am ready. My time is now.

**There it is! I really hope you enjoyed it! The chapters won't be coming as frequently after this, because I go back to school tomorrow – wish me luck! Special thanks to ****HolyShootItzKori, Em (Guest), squidge86, ****dayabieberxo, VickiiMadd, and ****amazinglife18 for reviewing the last chapter, I appreciate it so much ****Review to let me know what you thought of this chapter, it makes my heart fill with happiness.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey! So this is probably the last time I will update for a while, as I have no more chapters written. I am so, so grateful for everyone following and reviewing this story, it means the world to me. Very big shout out to RebeccaRipple, yet again, an incredible beta reader and friend, I don't know what I'd do without her. On with the story!**

I walk through the corridors alongside Brittany and Santana towards glee club. It is only my second meeting, but I am quite excited. Being with my friends almost makes me feel like I am part of a family. Like I am wanted, appreciated. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

"Rachel, glad you could make it!" booms Mr Shue as I make my way with my friends to the seats at the back of the room. My face reddens. I hate being noticed. All I can think about are the thoughts that are probably running through their minds, their curiosity, and the fact that no one mentions my face because they feel uncomfortable.

I nod politely in Mr Shue's direction, but he is already talking to the rest of the students.

"This week's focus is self-worth. So, find a song that highlights that, and perform it throughout the week-" Mr Shue drones on as I think.

Self-worth. I've never really thought I've had much of it. But these last few weeks have been better. The best I can remember, actually. I feel like there are people who would miss me if I were to leave.

At lunch...

"Hey, Rach, we should sing a song from AVPM or another Starkid musical for this week's assignment. You know, as a duet."

"Yeah, cool. What about Brittany?" I turn my gaze to the blonde, who is hungrily gulfing down a PB & J sandwich. She quickly swallows.

"Oh, I've already decided on a song, I'm singing it by myself." She smiles at me and takes another bite of her sandwich.

"So, do you want to?" Santana questions me again.

"Yeah, sounds great." I smile at her. I can't wait to hear her sing.

"Awesome! So I was thinking, The Coolest Girl from A Very Potter Sequel?" I tilt my head as I take a moment to recall the lyrics of the song.

"Sounds perfect." I reply. Santana smiles widely and continues eating.

"Rachel!" I shiver as Dayna's voice echoes around the house. For a second I think of not answering; of standing up to her. These last couple of weeks have given me confidence I never knew I had. But, alas, today would not be the day; for just as soon as I have the thought, I cast it away. I am not ready for that.

I breathe and stand up from my place on the floor, where I had been finishing homework. The air that surrounds me is cold, and I feel the Goosebumps starting to form on my arms and legs.

The silence that follows me as I walk down the stairs frightens me. It was not like my aunt to be this quiet. I reach the bottom of the stairs and freeze, wanting nothing more than to go back upstairs and hide in my room. But I don't; fear rooting my to the spot. I see Dayna standing, her face as red at a tomato, holding the telephone and answering machine.

"What took you so long?" She all but barks at me.

"I-I", I stutter. As always, I never truly realise how frightened and vulnerable I can be until I am in my aunt's presence.

"Never mind." Dayna snarls, growing more impatient by the second. "Come here, Hobbit." She waves me over, and I follow the movement of her hand, like a lifeless puppet.

When I am within arms reach, she grabs my arm. Her fingernails dig into my skin, her fingers tightening around flesh. For a thin woman, she can be strong. "Do you know what this is?" She raises her other hand, indicating she is talking about the telephone she is holding.

"A tele-telephone." I stammer.

"And what have I always told you about telephones?" Her grip on my arms threatens to bruise and I wince at the pain.

"What have I always said?" Dayna repeats, spitting the words into my face.

"Not to tell anyone our phone number?" I choke out, still very confused and scared.

"Exactly! And do you know what I found on the answering machine when I came home today?" I swallow. This can't be good.

"N-no." My voice is shaky, filled with fear and confusion. I have been able to hide my feelings from Dayna.

"This!" She pushes a button on the answering machine, not taking her eyes off me, still firmly gripping my arm.

"Hey Rachel. It's Santana. Are you there? Just wanted to organise a time to practice the song. Get back to me. Bye." The message ends and Danya glares at me. I wasn't expecting that at all. I still don't know why my aunt is angry with me.

"You gave her the phone number, didn't you?"

"No! I swear I didn-"

"Liar! How else could she have gotten it?"

"I don't know! The phone book?"

"I don't believe you." But her voice is uncertain, as if she doesn't know what to believe.

"Who is this Sanatana, anyway?"

"It's _Santana_." I say quickly without thought.

"I don't care! Who is she?"

"A- a friend." Suddenly my aunt's face relaxes and she starts to laugh.

"What's so funny?" I mumble, almost to myself, because I don't really want to know the answer.

"Who would be friends with you? You're stupid, ugly, and so weak you can barely string two words together. If you think she's a real friend, think again." She laughs one final time, and lets go of me, walking away and dropping the telephone and answering machine.

"Rach, hey!" I whizz around. It's Brittany.

"Oh, hey, Brittany. Look, I've got to get to class."

"Ok, see you later, then." Brittany sounds a little let down, but she is still smiling.

"Yeah, bye," I walk away, hating how distant I sounded.

I walk around the corner, but as I do, I am faced with something cold and sticky being thrown in my face. I drop my books in surprise. I use my fingers to wipe away the wet substance from my eyes. As I open my eyes, I am met with the face of my attacker. It was Puckerman.

I run. I am not sure where I am headed until I reach the bathroom. I grab some paper towels and attempt to dry my face. When I am done I look up at my reflection. The remains of the slushie are gone, but the scar remains. It runs across my mouth and left cheek, a permanent dent in my skin. Dayna was right. There is no appeal to me whatsoever. I was kidding myself if I believed that they truly cared for me.

I fall to the floor in despair, the tears falling rapidly. I hear the bathroom door open; someone has come in. I continue to cry, not looking up.

"Rachel? Is that you?"

**There it is! I really hope you enjoyed it! Special thanks to ****HolyShootItzKori, Em (Guest), GypsySoul05, ****amazinglife18, and ****May996****for reviewing the last chapter, I appreciate it so much ****Review to let me know what you thought of this chapter, it makes my heart fill with happiness.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, but I hope this makes up for it. I am so grateful for every single review; they increase the frequency of updates ten-fold. A huge thank you to my amazing friend and beta reader, RebeccaRipple there is no way this story would be as good without her. On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee… I only found out today that Blaine cheated on Kurt with some Eli C. guy, since I live in Australia, and the episodes haven't aired yet. I found out from youtube, and it broke my heart. That certainly wouldn't have happened if I owned Glee.**

I sense someone squat down beside me and I cover my face; not ready for a confrontation. "Rachel, what's wrong?" Her voice sounds familiar, but I can't quite place it.

I turn my head to face her, the flow of tears halting to a stop as I come eye to eye with Quinn Fabray. "Quinn?" The surprise is evident on my face and in my voice, but I don't really care. "How do you know my name?"

"I'm in glee club, remember?"

"Oh." I glance back down at my feet, feeling slightly intimidated by the ex-cheerleader sitting beside me. Quinn gives me a once-over, taking in my appearance.

"Slushie, eh?" She's not laughing at me, she just sounds casual, as if she is used to these things happening.

I wipe the tears from my face with my sleeve, sniffling. "How can you tell?"

"Your face is blue, and your clothes are stained. Besides, you're shivering." Quinn smiles apologetically at me. I look down at my clothes; she's right.

"I-I don't have any extra clothes in my locker." I hang my head in shame. How can I go around like this? I'll get teased even more than usual.

"Don't worry. I don't have any spare clothes, but I know someone who does." I look up, a hopeful expression starting to form on my face. "C'mon." She stands up and offers me her hand. I take it, not sure when I started trusting people who were practically strangers so easily.

She helps me to my feet and walks out of the bathroom. I follow, in awe of her confidence, despite her condition.

We walk along the hallway, Quinn obviously not in any rush to get to where we are going. We near the lockers and I see Santana. Oh, no. Please don't let her see me. Please. Quinn continues walking towards her and I start to panic. Surely Santana wasn't the one with extra clothes?

"Hey, Santana." Quinn grabs her attention, hands on her hips. Santana turns around and looks at Quinn.

"Oh, hey, Quinn. What's up?" A second later Santana notices me and gasps.

"Rachel? What happened? Who did this?" She sounded angry, furious even. Maybe she was a friend, after all.

"I don't know. He – I mean they –were gone before I could wipe the slushy from my eyes," I lie, knowing Santana is good friends with Puckerman.

"Well, are you ok? Gosh, you must be freezing. Oh! You need clothes, here, wait a second," Santana says this all very quickly before turning back to her locker. She pulls out some jeans and a white T-shirt.

"Here." Santana hands me the clothes, our fingers touching for a moment. As they do, my heart beats faster, the contact sending a tingling sensation up my arm.

"Thank you," I mumble, staring at my feet. I start walking away, back towards the bathroom, when I noticed she is following me. "What are you doing?" I question.

"I'm coming with you." I remain confused. She's coming with me? What benefit could she have from doing that?

"Why?" I voice my question, still curious.

"You're my friend," she says simply, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Her expression changes as she remembers something. She turns around and shouts to Quinn, who is walking away in the opposite direction.

"Hey Quinn!"

"Yeah?" Quinn turns to face Santana.

"Thanks." Santana waves to Quinn, turns back to me and continues walking. I wonder for a moment what she is thanking Quinn for, but before I can think too much about it, I notice how far ahead Santana is and I jog to catch up with her, a small, uncertain smile on my face.

Xx

I change in the bathroom stall, putting on Santana's spare clothes. I can smell her scent on them, and I feel like I can't get enough of it. I walk out of the stall and look into the mirror, checking out how the clothes look.

"A little big, but you look nice," Santana says as she looks at her clothes that hang just a bit loosely on my body. I force a smile onto my face.

"So, can we go now? We're already very late for class," I say, looking at my watch out of habit.

"Yeah, just wait. You've still got some slushie in your hair. Here, let me get that out for you." Santana grabs a paper towel and starts patting my hair with it, soaking the paper towel, as to remove it from my head. I feel a little awkward, but it does feel nice, having Santana so close.

After what seems like no time at all, Santana pats my head one last time with the paper towel and steps back, looking at an overview of my head. "Done," she says simply, placing the paper towel in the bin.

I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding and make my way after Santana, who is already out the door. I open the bathroom door and freeze as I see Puckerman and Santana standing in the hallway. I stay quite, not wanting Puckerman to notice me. I want to slip away, but I can't. I try not to listen in on their conversation, but apparently my ears didn't get the memo.

"Hey Santana, what are you doing this weekend?" Puckerman smiles in a way that I do not like towards Santana, and she smiles back in the same way.

"Are you asking me out?" Santana cuts to the chase. It is one thing I have always admired about her, but for some reason, I'm not too fond of it now.

"Yeah, I guess I am. Saturday, 8pm. Breadstix. Be there."

"Sounds like a date." At this I start running in the other direction. I don't know why I am so upset. Santana is at perfect liberty to date whoever she wants. But why did it have to be Puckerman? I turn the corner and only faintly hear Santana calling out my name, wondering where I am.

Why does this feeling feel so familiar? I can only remember one other time I've felt like this, but it had stayed with me for years after. It was jealousy. And I hated it.

Flashback

The walk to Emily's house was cold and dark. It was almost as if I knew what was coming. But I couldn't have known. I had never expected Emily to hurt me the way she did. But I was about to uncover her true colours.

I walked up to the front door, and opened the door with the key that I had held with me ever since my parents started fighting. Emily was the one I could count on. I could always go to her if I needed help, support, or just an escape from my life. She was my sanctuary.

"Emily?" I called. It was not very loud; I was not in the spirit to be loud. I made my way up the stairs to her room, hating the noise the stairs made as I walked up them.

I knocked on her door, but when no reply came, I opened it, curious as to why she wasn't answering.

When the door was fully open, I saw them. Emily, and a boy I was sure I'd seen before, but couldn't quite remember his name, sitting on the bed, kissing. It did not look like the kiss was forced onto her; in fact, she seemed to be enjoying it. For a second I stood helplessly in shock, not knowing what to do. "Emily?" I said quietly in disbelief. Her lips parted from his and she looked at me.

"Rachel? What are you doing here? I didn't hear you come up." She was panicking, I could tell.

"You must have been busy," I shouted bitterly, and made my out of the room.

"No! Rachel, wait! I- I can explain." I stopped just before I reached the stairs and turned around slowly; trying to contain my rage, although there were tears streaming down my face.

"No you can't. It's plain and simple Em. You cheated on me, just when I needed you most. You were the first person I ever trusted, the first person I ever loved. And you just broke my heart." There was so much more I wanted to say, but I was still in shock. How could she do this to me?

Emily was speechless, and I took the opportunity to race down the stairs and run out of the front door, slamming it hard behind me. It was the last time I ever saw her.

**I hope you liked that small snapshot of Rachel's past. A special thanks to ****HolyShootItzKori, beaner008, amazinglife18, Em (Guest), and RainBlueWater, for reviewing, you guys are awesome! You make my heart swell with happiness. Please review, if you haven't already, please. I love waking up the next morning and seeing a new review, it really boosts my spirits. A new chapter will be out soon, hopefully. Until then, bye!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey! I have decided something. I have decided to include you all in my will when I die (although I am only 14, it could happen at any time). You are truly amazing. I have been on a high since I started uploading this story, all because of your reviews and follows and favourites. It makes me feel like I am on top of the world! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Very, very special thank you to one of my best friends and beta reader, RebeccaRipple. She is a big reason for the frequency of the chapters (as are all of you), and she is truly amazing.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee… It I did, it would be compulsory in all countries**.

I never make it to class. Instead, I spend the next few hours sitting against a brick wall on the side of the school. No tears escape my eyes this time, because I'm not sad. But I am confused. Very confused. I had spent the last few years trying to get rid of this feeling, the jealousy, and the way I feel about girls.

When I had started liking Santana? I can't like her. I just can't. I am not going through this again. Whatever it is I'm feeling, I'm just going to have to get rid of it; simple as that. It's for my own safety, as well as hers.

With that decided, I am about to leave when I hear the faint sound of kicking nearby. I stand up and turn the corner, to find Finn Hudson, football quarterback, kicking his foot repeatedly against the brick wall with obvious anger.

"Finn?" Three weeks ago I wouldn't have had the courage to talk to him, but maybe I have changed more than I had realised.

Finn whips his head around, and his eyes land on my face. "Oh. Hey. Rachel, isn't it?" His voice is bitter, but his rage isn't directed towards me.

I nod, in answer to his question. "What's wrong?" I ask, genuinely concerned. Where is all this confidence coming from?

There is silence for perhaps a minute, in which Finn doesn't answer me – obviously out of distress – and so I start to walk away. I turn back towards the school, but have only gone two steps when Finn speaks.

"It's Quinn. The baby isn't mine. She cheated on me. With Puck."

I gasp softly. What? Quinn was so nice to me, though. She doesn't seem like the type of person to cheat. Then again, neither did Emily. I guess you can't judge a book by its cover.

"I-I'm so sorry." I say, feeling his pain.

"Why? It's not your fault." Finn kicks the wall one last time and walks away, hands in his pockets, his head down.

He leaves me thinking. Should I tell Santana that Puck is the father of Quinn's child? No. The last thing I want is to make this situation even more painful... for everyone. Especially Santana.

Xx

I am walking home, my bag straps cutting into my shoulders painfully, when I hear footsteps approaching.

Brittany catches up to me, and I make no effort to walk away. I could use a friend right now. "Rachel! Where have you been? I haven't seen you since this morning. You missed out on my poem about the moon. Santana spent practically the whole day looking for you. I wanted to help, but she had free periods while I had English."

"She didn't spend the whole day with Puck?" I laugh bitterly, hating the sound in my voice.

"No, why would she?" There is a comfortable silence for about a minute, where we just walk, and I notice how nice it is to be around Brittany, her positive energy always making me feel lighter.

"Oh, look, a unicorn! Look Rachel, in the sky." I look up and try to spot what she was pointing out.

"That's just a cloud, Brittany." I smile at her, and she continues to admire the unicorn-shaped cloud.

Brittany sighs, and I can sense something has been troubling her. "Rachel, sit with us tomorrow, okay? I don't like seeing you upset like this. I know something's going on. I don't know what it is, but you'll feel better around friends." Brittany looks me in the eyes, pleading with me.

"Okay, I'll be there." Brittany has a point. And even though Santana is going out with Puck, it doesn't mean we have to throw away our friendship. I certainly still want to be friends with Brittany, no matter what. She would never hurt me.

"Thanks, Rach. It means a lot." We reach an intersection in the road and Brittany pulls me into a hug. "I have to go this way." She explains, and turns left, while I keep walking forward.

"Bye!" Brittany calls over her shoulder, waving briefly.

"Bye," I call back, the cold suddenly sending a small shiver up my spine.

Xx

The walk up the driveway seems to last forever, which is probably because I am hardly moving. I don't know why I am so nervous. Well, I do; I just hadn't realised how deeply I have fallen.

I make my way up the stairs to her front door, but I can't bring myself to ring the doorbell. Finally, after two minutes of standing there stupidly, I knock on the door.

The door opens and I see Santana. She smiles when she sees me, and steps back, allowing me into her home. It takes me a few seconds to realise she is not wearing her Cheerios uniform. Instead she is wearing a simple but elegant gray and white t-shirt that fits her body perfectly, and blue jeans that hug her legs in a way I have never seen on anyone else. For once, her hair is down, and it is even more beautiful than before. It frames her face well, falling to just below shoulder length.

"Hey! Glad you could make it, Rach!" Santana's smile widens, and she closes the door.

"I said I'd be here, didn't I?" The harshness in my voice surprises the both of us. Santana's smile falters slightly, and I clear my throat, acting as if I don't care.

"Um, well, do you want to get something to eat first, or do you just want to get started on rehearsing?"

"Rehearsing." I say quickly, even though I am starving.

"Okay, then, just up here." Santana leads me upstairs, obviously still a bit put off by my manner.

We walk in silence. I can feel Santana eyeing me, as if trying to work out what's wrong just by staring at me. I come to a door. "This your bedroom?" I ask, already turning the handle on the door. Santana nods, her silence echoing inside my head.

As I walk in, I am met with color; shades of green, blue and purple. It surprisingly works with Santana's many personalities. As well as color, there are heaps of photos; memories, snippets of Santana's past. There are quite possibly hundreds pinned all around the room, but one in particular catches my eye. I walk over to it.

"Who's this?" I ask quietly, shock running through me as I recognise the brown, silky hair, the flirtatious smile, and the soft brown eyes.

"My cousin. I didn't really like her. She died, actually, a couple of years back. Car crash. Tragic, really." Santana doesn't sound that fussed, but I am in too much shock to notice.

"What was her name?" I question, wanting my worst fears confirmed. Santana looks at me oddly, wondering why I cared so much, but she answers anyway.

"Emily."

**I am so sorry for the cliff hanger, I would be annoyed if I were you. But I hope you enjoyed the chapter anyway. Big thanks to ****iamirreplazable, Em (Guest), amazinglife18, FlatWeasley and HolyShootItzKori, you guys are so awesome. I am forever grateful. If you haven't reviewed, please take a few seconds to do so… please? It means so much. I hope you have a great day, and I will have a new update soon (hopefully). Thanks for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing! I love you all!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey! Have I told you how much I love you all? Well in case I haven't… I love you all like I like pi… my love for you goes on forever and ever and ever… if you don't know what pi is, it is 3.1415926535897932384626433832 7950288… and that's all I know. Anyway, it is a number that has an infinite amount of decimal places. Thanks to everyone! Very special thanks to my beta reader, who is not only an amazing editor, but an incredible friend also!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee… Which may be obvious to most of you, but I'm still trying to come to terms with it.**

I gasp, my heart stopping for a moment. I had been pretty sure it was Emily, but hearing Santana say hear name still comes as a shock. I can't believe that she is dead. After all we've been through. I blink, and a tear rolls down my face, leaving a salty streak of water on my cheek.

"Rach, what's wrong?" Santana's expression turns to concerned, but I'm too devastated to answer. Instead I fall against Santana, and she holds me, rocking me back and forth, in an effort to comfort me.

That's when I fully burst into tears. I don't know why I am so affected. I haven't seen her in years, and she cheated on me. But, then again, she was the only person –besides my sister- that I've ever loved.

Even though she hurt me in such a way that I have never truly gotten over, I had often imagined bumping into her five years from now. She would fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness. It would take me a minute or so, but I would forgive her, and we would be together again, united. But that dream will remain just a dream. She isn't coming back.

In between sobs, I breathe in the scent of Santana's hair. That's when I realize. I don't like Santana, it's just that I'm not over Emily, and Santana reminds me of her, with her strong opinions and bluntness. Santana is appealing because of the idea she represents, not who she is.

This realization comes as both a shock and a relief. I push myself from Santana's arms, which is harder than I anticipated, it feels like I am tearing myself from home. I dry my tears with my sleeve.

"Rach, are you ok?" Santana asks, the worry showing on her face. I nod, closing my eyes for a moment to compose myself.

"Yeah, I just … She just reminded of someone that I used to know." I can't tell her the truth, I just can't. But from the way Santana talked about her, they weren't very close, so Santana probably didn't care much about her, which calmed me down considerably.

Emily was such a big part of my past, and my past still hurt in a way too painful to speak about, to even _think_ about. I still can't believe that she is gone. But it's not that surprising, really. They all left me, and two of them forever.

"Rach." Santana's voice is barely a murmur, but it's enough to bring me back to the present.

"I'm alright." I say slowly, not quite sure myself.

"Do you want to start rehearsing, or do you need a little… time?" I shake my head, as if shaking out all my feelings.

"No. I'm fine."

"Okay." Santana walks over to her computer, pulling up YouTube on the screen. Typing 'The Coolest Girl AVPS karaoke'. She clicks on the first video, and turns back to me. "Do you want to start, or should I?"

"You can start," I say, really curious as to how good a singer Santana is. The tune starts, Santana takes a deep breath, looking oddly nervous for some reason. It is not a look you see often with Santana Lopez.

_All my dreams_

_I'm chasing after,_

_they don't mean_

_all this laughter..._

_I take a grain of salt,_

_A stiff upper lip._

_It's not their fault_

_I'm not as hip._

_Wake up kid, you know you're more than this..._

My eyes widen. Her voice is magical. It is so different from mine, so unique. For the first time, I begin to question the one thing I have been sure of my whole life, my ability to sing. I am so deep in thought, that I almost miss my cue to start singing.

_I'm the smartest person_

_that I've ever met._

_So why do I allow myself to_

_possibly forget:_

_There's so much I know how to do,_

_so much more than all of you._

_The only thing I wish I knew_

_was how to make them see_

_the girl that I can be..._

Santana catches my eye, and we join together for the chorus, perfectly in harmony.

_I am_

_the coolest girl in the whole wide world_

_I know it_

_but can't show it at all._

My voice drops out as I let Santana sing the next bit. I am still in awe of her incredibly powerful, Amy Winehouse-like voice.

_I am_

_sick and tired_

_of low, not higher_

_places, where I should belong..._

_It's about time I proved them wrong..._

Santana points to me, indicating she wants me to sing the next verse.

_Give me a shot_

_to show what I've got!_

_I'm a hell of a whole lot more_

_than this frizzy hair,_

_these frumpy clothes I wear,_

_though I rock 'em like nobody you've seen before!_

We make a silent agreement to sing the rest of the song together, which suits me perfectly, as I love singing almost as much as I love hearing Santana sing.

_'Cause I am_

_the coolest girl in the whole wide world_

_I know it_

_below it all._

_I am_

_done with losin',_

_on with choosin'_

_The coolest girl on the face of the planet,_

_The coolest bitch on Earth, goddammit!_

_The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard!_

_So you can try to bring me down,_

_but sorry guys, I'm stickin' around!_

_I've thought about it, and I've found_

_That I am_

_The coolest girl!_

_...Yeah!_

Xx

"Hey Rach!" Brittany calls, and although she has done it many times before, it still brings a smile to my face. I make my way to the table she is sitting at, and when I see Santana, my smile widens even further.

"Hey Rach." Santana's greeting is simple, but I already feel lighter."

"Hey Britt, Santana." I sit down as my stomach growls hungrily at the sight of food in front of Brittany and Santana.

"Rachel, did you know that cats are really baby lions?" Brittany has a twinkle in her eyes that reminds me of a small child.

"No, I didn't know that." I smile at Brittany. I turn to Santana, trying to see her reaction to Brittany's fact of the day, but I can't help notice the expression on her face.

"I need to talk to you." Santana says suddenly, and quite seriously, as if deciding on something. She stands up and walks towards the door of the cafeteria, where she beckons me to follow.

"Brittany, is it okay if I follow-"

"Yeah, Santana said she wanted to show you something."

"Thanks." I show my gratitude to Brittany through a smile. She always understands.

I turn to Santana, making my way towards her through the slowly thinning crowd.

"And Rachel?" Brittany calls, and I turn my head to face her.

"Yeah?"

"Take care of yourself, alright?" My eyebrows immediately furrow in confusion, but I am left to wonder when Santana calls out my name. What is it that she wants to talk to me about so desperately?

**I know not much happened in this chapter, but it was necessary. I hope you enjoyed it! Big thanks to ****VickiiMadd, davinelyfavored69, ****iamirreplazable, ****Em (Guest), and caseyrn12 for being awesome and reviewing! Please fill the review box with your thoughts, please? It means so much to me, it is truly the reason I can write.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey! I know it's been ages since my last update, but I had a fair bit of homework and catching up to do for school. I have decided to update twice a week, or at least once a week. I am so sorry for leaving you all hanging, but I hope this makes up for it. I am truly thankful for every single review, favourite and follow. You guys make me wake up and go to bed with a smile. I would like to give a very special thanks to the incredible RebeccaRipple, my lovely beta reader and friend, for making my life so much easier.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee… If I did, the episodes would come out in Australia at the same time as in America… **

Santana's face is unreadable as I reach the doors to the cafeteria. I begin to get nervous. Is she going to tell me I can't be her friend anymore? Because I don't think I could take it if she does.

We reach the library, and I take a deep breath before stepping in, letting Santana get a few steps ahead of me before I start following her again. Her hips sway slightly and her ponytail swings from side to side as she walks. I close my eyes and shake my head, reminding myself that it wasn't Santana; it was Emily that I see.

Santana turns on one of the library computers, and the screen appears much too quickly for my liking. I don't know what is happening, but I sense it can't be good. She goes onto the Internet, my curiosity peaking now.

"I hope you don't mind, but after you came over to my house, I was so blown away by your voice, so I decided to see if I could find any videos of you singing…" Santana's voice is tentative, and she keeps her eyes on the screen as she goes onto YouTube. I do not like where this is going.

"There are some amazing ones of you, Rach, you are truly talented. But, what I noticed was that they were all before…" Santana clears her throat, not knowing how to say that they were all before my accident. This can't be all this is about though, right?

"Then I found this one. I- Well, here it is." I go into shock as I recognise the title and thumbnail of the video. Oh, no. Not that. She clicks on the video and as it starts I am hit with the memories from that day.

_-Flashback-_

"_Emily, camera shy?" I giggled a little and Emily's face went bright red._

"_No!" Her voice contradicted her face and she smiled when she realised I was just teasing her._

"_Okay, maybe a little." Emily's laugh made me smile even wider. I pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead. "As much as I want to stay in your arms, we have a video to shoot," Emily said suddenly, gently pushing me away._

"_Alright, then." I walked over to the camera, and pressed on the recording button. I gestured to Emily, who started off, her voice a little off pitch, but nice none-the-less._

You're stuck on me

and my laughing eyes

I can't pretend though

I try to hide, I like you

I like you.

I think I felt my heart skip a beat

I'm standing here and I can hardly breathe, you got me, yeah

You got me.

The way you take my hand is just so sweet

And that crooked smile of yours

it knocks me off my feet

Oh, I just can't get enough

Find my stoup I need to fill me up

It feels so good it must be love

It's everything that I've been dreaming of.

I give up. I give in. I let go. Let's begin.

Cause no matter what I do,

Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

I can't imagine what it'd be like

Livin each day in this life, without you.

Without you.

One look from you I know you understand

This mess we're in

you know is just so out of hand.

Oh, I just can't get enough

Find my stoup I need to fill me up

It feels so good it must be love

It's everything that I've been dreaming of.

I give up. I give in. I let go. Let's begin.

Cause no matter what I do,

Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

I hope we always feel this way

I know we will

and in my heart I know that

you'll always stay

Oh, I just can't get enough

Find my stoup I need to fill me up

It feels so good it must be love

I give up. I give in. I let go. Let's begin.

Cause no matter what I do

Oh, I just can't get enough

Find my stoup I need to fill me up

It feels so good it musIt's everything that I've been dreaming of.t be love

I give up. I give in. I let go. Let's begin.

Cause no matter what I do,

Oh (oh) my heart is filled with you.

Oh (oh)

You got me. You got me.

Oh (oh)

You got me. You got me.

_We had drifted together while singing, out of habit, I guess. I looked into her eyes, muttering, "I love you," as our lips met. I didn't realise that the camera was still rolling for another 30 seconds or so, and I walked over and turned it off, smiling at my girlfriend the entire time._

_-End Flashback-_

The video ends and I cast my eyes down, not meeting Santana's gaze.

"That was Emily, wasn't it? My cousin." It is more a statement than a question but I nod, confirming it. My heart starts breaking all over again and it hurts to stand. Looking back at that, knowing what she did to me, it kills me to see how much I trusted and loved her. I walk back a few steps and sit down on the table, not noticing the tears coming out of my eyes until I hear myself sobbing.

"She hurt you." Santana breathes, and this time I don't answer. Instead, I continue crying, my chest heaving up and down. I sense Santana sitting next to me, and she wraps her arms around me, hugging me. I don't stop crying, but I am immediately comforted.

I try to tell myself it's because of Emily, but this time I don't truly believe it. Santana's hug is nothing like Emily's hugs. Emily's hugs were always missing something. She had always felt awkward in my arms, like she didn't quite fit. She was never completely comfortable hugging me, it was obvious, but I had always cast that thought away, thinking I must have been imagining it.

Santana's hug felt different. It offered warmth, and comfort. I could feel her heart beat against my head, and it felt like I had something I hadn't had for years. It felt like home.

My sobs faded away and I looked up at her. This time it's Santana who doesn't meet _my_ eyes. She clears her throat and stands up. "Are you coming?" She says suddenly. I take a second to collect my thoughts and stand up as well.

"Yes." We walk back to the cafeteria, more distance between us than usual, or so it seems. My thoughts drift back to Emily, and I feel a surge of anger rush through me, even though she is dead. If I had my time again, I would have spent more time with my sister. But maybe it was for the best, after all, the closer I had gotten with my sister, the more it would've hurt when she left me.

Xx

I am walking back to my locker, after the last of my classes. I walk though the yard and shiver slightly as I feel a drop of water land on the tip of my nose. It was starting to rain.

"Rachel!" I whip around at the sound of a male voice, half-expecting it to be Puck with another Slushie. Instead, I am greeted with the face of Finn, who is standing a few meters away, the light raindrops falling on his face.

"Finn?" I am surprised by his presence; most boys wouldn't be caught dead calling my name.

"I, um, wanted to thank you for the other day. It helped, talking to you." Finn shuffles his feet nervously, and I am shocked to realize that I am being the more confident one.

"That's okay... I didn't say much, though." I try to think back to what I said, which was probably just 'I'm so sorry'.

"I know, but it was the way you said it. You sounded like you really meant it, like you knew how I felt." Finn shortens the distance between us, and I start to fidget.

"Well– I…" I don't know what to say. I did know how he felt, but I wasn't going to tell him that.

"I was wondering… if you would like to go on a date, at Breadstix."

It takes a few seconds for me to register what he is saying. "With who?" I ask stupidly, in shock from the question.

"Me." Finn laughs good-naturedly, and his eyes search me for an answer.

"I-I…" I had never been asked out before. I have no idea what to say or do. I know there is no way he could actually like me, and he is probably doing it so he can hurt me later to boost his popularity, but it would be just what my aunt wanted. "Okay." I force a smile.

"Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow night, then," Finn says, a grin on his face.

"No!" I say far too quickly and forcefully. "I mean, um I'll meet you there. What time?" I did not want him to come to my house, especially with my aunt there.

"Is eight pm okay?" Finn looks confused, probably as to why I lashed out like that.

I nod, biting my lip as I look up at his face.

"See you there, then," he says before walking off. I look around, trying to see if anyone had witnessed what had just happened. When I see no one, I start walking again towards my locker, rain falling heavily now. The thought that Finn might actually like me does not even cross my mind.

**Short chapter, I know, and I am sorry. Please let me know what you think about what happened in Rachel's past (believe me, we've barely scratched the surface, and what will happen to her. There will be an update soon (I hope). Very big thanks to ****iamirreplazable, amazinglife18, HolyShootItzKori, Det (Guest), FlatWeasley, sammywammy1120, Guest and I Love Santana for reviewing, your reviews make me feel like I am on cloud 9. I don't know how I can repay you for the happiness you've given me, so for now, I'll just do it with updates. Please review, they are the reason I love to write, and just a few seconds of your time to review will make me feel so happy.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey! So this chapter contains lot of Rachel's past, which I hope you enjoy. Thank you so much everyone for reading, reviewing, following and favoriting. You guys are awesome. Very special thank you to my amazing beta reader and friend, RebeccaRipple, who is a big reason you are all reading this right now.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. Shocker, right?**

I was six when the fighting started. My parents had just decided to adopt a baby, their second child, but first adoption. I had a surrogate mother, but for some reason, they wanted to adopt this time. My Dads named her Anne. When they picked her up, she was barely 2 weeks old. She was Chinese, but she was always a real sister to me. I still remember the first time I ever saw her perfect face, her light brown eyes, her chubby cheeks and her tiny hands.

The fighting between my Dads began with shouting and harsh words, and afterwards they would always make up straight away. At first, I was sure it would go away, that they were just stressed or something, but as time drew on I just got scared. I was scared that it wouldn't stop, and one of them would leave.

It got worse after a few years, and they would not make up for weeks at a time. Sometimes, when it got really bad, I would take Anne and hide in the attic for a few hours, sometimes even the whole day. My parents fought about everything and anything. It was the worst when they fought about us.

I was very close with my surrogate's mother, Mimi. I had only seen my mother a few times, we were never close, and I called her by her first name, but I considered Mimi my Grandmother. Anne called her Grandma, too, and when she moved in next door to us, life began to get easier.

Mimi would often come over to our house when she heard our parents fighting, and sneak us out. My Dads would never notice; they were always too busy fighting. It often crossed my mind that Anne and I didn't even matter to them anymore, that to them, we were just something else they could fight about.

_Anne ran into my room, her eyes wide. "They are doing it again, Rae!" Her voice was soft; I could tell she doesn't want them to hear her. She shut the door and ran up to me, hugging me tightly, as if she was afraid I would leave her. _

"_I know, I know." I stroked Anne's silky black hair, holding her gently. She was only four years old, but she already had an amazing fashion sense (which she did not get from me), and she was beautiful. But what I loved most about Anne was her innocence, and her compassion. And what I feared the most was that our parents were taking that from her. But they didn't care in the least. I could still hear them through the closed door, bickering like five-year-olds. _

"_You think income is the problem here? It's the fact that you buy everything you see and we are going broke because of it! You never cared about anyone but yourself." The shouting continued, and I tried to block it out, in vain. _

_I took out my cell phone (another 'we're sorry for not caring and for always fighting, here's a phone to make up for everything' gift from my Dads), and texted Emily, my best friend; 'They're fighting again, I can't go shopping today, sorry, maybe next weekend?' I felt bad for always doing this to her, but someone had to look after Anne, and it wasn't going to be my parents._

_My bedroom door opened slowly, and Mimi appeared. She could easily open the front door with her spare key and walk up the stairs without my parents noticing; they were too busy fighting to notice much else._

"_Come, my dears, I've got some hot cocoa over at my place." Mimi whispered, but her voice was calm, as if nothing was wrong. Anne was too scared to say anything, in case our parents heard, but a small smile formed on her lips at the mention of her favourite comfort drink. I mouthed a thank you to Mimi, for yet again saving us from the hours of waiting and yelling. I often felt like crying in those situations, but I had to be strong for Anne._

When I was twelve and Anne was six, Mimi died from a stroke and we were left to fend for ourselves when things got bad. That was when my parents started hurting each other physically. I never contacted the authorities; I was too afraid that Anne and I would get separated.

When Mimi died, there was no escape. When our parents couldn't hurt each other, they would hurt me. I never let them hurt Anne, so I would tell her to hide when I saw what was coming. Papa was the worst. I got a lock for our bedroom (I had moved in with Anne so I could always take care of her), and we often sneaked out my window to get to school.

For a few months after that, things got better. I think they realised somewhat the pain and damage they had caused. But the worst was yet to come. For a few months, I had hope. But that was before my accident. Gosh. I don't know why I call it an accident. That pain was intentional, it was meant to scar. But it wasn't meant to scar me.

Xx

Brittany sits quietly beside me, and a smile crosses my face. She reminds me of Anne in so many ways. No, she doesn't look like her, but they were both so beautiful, inside and out; so innocent, never judging someone by his or her looks.

"Have you ever heard of a rabken?" Brittany asked suddenly, taking me by surprise.

"No, I can't say I have." I am used to Brittany's odd questions, but I am always curious as to what she is going to say next.

"Me, neither." Brittany shrugs and bites into her sandwich. I laugh at how peculiar our conversations are, but my laughter is cut short by Santana's presence.

"Hey, Rach; hey, Brittany," Santana smiles at us both, but her voice seems a bit strained, like something is wrong. There is something different about Santana today, but I can't put my finger on it.

"Sanny, why haven't you got your Cheerios uniform on?" Brittany asks, cocking her head thoughtfully to one side. Of course, how did I not notice that Santana was wearing casual clothes instead of her usual cheerleading outfit?

"I'm not on the team anymore." Her statement is final, and I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. Brittany must have sensed it too, because she doesn't say anymore.

We sit in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, which is highly unusual for us, until Santana opens her mouth.

"Rach, why didn't you tell me about Emily?" Santana's voice is strong again, for she now has a purpose. This annoys me. I am not a mystery book for her to unravel and find some sort of solution or answer. She had no right. She is going out with Puck, not me, and if she wanted to know about me, she would find out when I am ready, not just when she decides she wants to know.

"I just didn't okay? It was none of your business in the first place. It's my life, and I don't want everyone to know every damn detail." I stand up suddenly, staring into Santana's face… Until I can't. The hurt expression on her face is so deep that I have to look away. I glance at Brittany, not wanting to have her think I am angry with her, and storm out of the room into the courtyard.

It is raining again, and my face and clothes are soon saturated. Oddly, some of the raindrops taste of salt.

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I know it was short, but I like it this length. The next chapter will probably have a bit of Santana's P.O.V. (yay!). Very big thanks to ****iamirreplazable, HolyShootItzKori, Em (Guest), rolling-in-district-5, djsmith10186, sammywammy1120, and amazinglife18 for taking the time to review,**** it means the world to me as a 14-year-old girl with dreams of becoming an author one day. That said, please review, it makes me more confident as a writer, and fills my heart with warmth. **


	11. Chapter 11

**I am sorry for such a short chapter, but I have survival camp next week (wish me luck!), and so I wanted to update before then. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee**

_Dearest Anne,_

_Today I got angry with Santana, for absolutely no reason. I felt terrible as soon as I did it, but I didn't even apologise. Everything is just so confusing! I hate that she is going out with Puck, but then again, I am going out with Finn. It's not that I like Finn or anything, though. _

_I want to believe that I like her because she is like Emily, but I can't really believe that anymore. They may look similar, and both confident and able to speak their mind; but they are two completely different people. Emily never pushed me for answers for anything, and she was always distracting me from my problems. She never dealt with them._

_Santana always wants to know, wanting to help. In some ways, I don't know which would help more – talking about my problems, or forgetting them._

_I miss you so much Anne, I wish you could see how much. I feel like I didn't do enough for you, to protect you, but, I know you are happier now than you were, which I am grateful for. Sometimes I feel selfish, wanting you here so much when you are finally happy. _

_Love always, _

_Yours, Kitty_

Last night I didn't make it home. I couldn't face Dayna after what happened with Santana. It wasn't because she might shout at me. It wasn't because I was afraid. It was because what I did to Santana wasn't any better than what my aunt does to me. So I spent the night in the school gym –which was always unlocked- as I had many times before.

When I woke up I snuck out, shivering slightly from the wind that blew through the thin material of my jacket, piercing my skin with cold. I walked 5 miles back to my house. I knew Dayna was still asleep so I got into my bedroom through my window. My bedroom was on the second floor, but I had long ago perfected the art of climbing the wall, opening the window and climbing in.

Now I am outside of Breadstix, it's eight o' clock at night and I admit I am nervous. I have spent most of today (because it is Saturday), making a dress from my old clothes. It doesn't look too bad, but it isn't like I could ever look beautiful.

I take a deep breath and place my hands on the door of the restaurant. I push slightly and it opens.

Xx -_Santana's P.O.V_

I move the pasta around on my plate in silence, while Puck goes on about how many guys he has bashed up… or how many girls he's hooked up with… or, something. I tuned out as soon as he started speaking.

"Santana… are you listening to me?" I look up at him, in surprise. It isn't like Puck to be observant, or care that he was the only one talking.

"No." I hate it when people give mixed signals, so I always aim to speak honestly and straight to the point. Puck rolls his eyes and I look down again, at my barely-eaten pasta. I didn't feel like eating. I hadn't felt like eating since lunch yesterday.

"What's going on with you? You've been acting different lately." Concern is not a good look on Puck.

"That's none of your business." I snap back at him, not wanting to get all deep and meaningful, especially with Puckerman. He shrugs and takes a mouthful of chicken, before he continues talking about him, obviously not caring that I am not listening.

I sigh, and my head turns automatically towards the door as it creaks open. I had been doing this all night, but I have no idea why. It is almost as if I am searching for something.

That's when I see her. For a second I don't recognise her… with the dress and the make up, but at a closer look, there is no doubt. It is Rachel Berry. I tear my eyes away from her, and turn my head back towards my date, not wanting her to notice me.

This girl… she does something to me. Never have words ever affected me like hers. They still echo in my head. 'It was none of your business in the first place. It's my life, and I don't want everyone to know every damn detail.' I know it is true; I do sometimes stick my nose in where it's not wanted, but can't she see I am just trying to help her? But sometimes you can only do so much.

I sneak a glance back over my shoulder, far too curious as too what she's doing here. She sits down opposite Finn and –wait- Finn? What's she doing here with Finn? If only I could hear their conversation. I continue to stare at her. She looks beautiful.

I don't know what I am feeling right now, but it's not a happy emotion. She's here on a date with Finn. Something about that just doesn't sit right with me. After a few seconds, she catches my eye, and I jump, turning my gaze quickly back on Puck.

Surprise, surprise, he is still chatting about how he saved 2 blondes from a blazing fire in August last year.

For the rest of the night I resist the overwhelming urge to glance at her again, to see what the deal with her and Finn is, or to simply see her brown eyes again. At 10pm I can't stand it any longer. I stand up suddenly, mutter "bye" to Puck and walk out. This isn't me; Santana Lopez doesn't act like this. I am out of the restaurant before I even notice that Rachel's seat is empty, and Finn is sitting alone, helping himself to a drink.

Xx _Rachel's P.O.V_

I walked out. I was there for one hour and I walked out. So much for gaining confidence. I just couldn't sit there, knowing what I had done to one of the first people to be kind to me since my sister died.

I was punished. For what, I'm not entirely sure. All I know is my Aunt turned up here, drunk as ever, angry because of some Police riot she had gotten involved with. The bruises are already starting to show on my arms and stomach. I lay on my bed, wondering how best to cover them up for school on Monday.

I turn onto my back, trying to find the least painful position to lie down, and sigh. I have to make it up to Santana, that much was obvious. The only question was: 'how?'

**I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I will have a new one up in 2 weeks at the latest, if I survive survival camp. Big thanks to ****HolyShootItzKori, iamirreplazable, ****A (Guest), Guest, dayabieberxo, beaner008, Em (Guest), ****sammywammy1120, amazinglife18, and ****JWilson18, you guys are beyond incredible, thank you so much! Please review! It will give me something to look forward to while I am trying not to die on camp, and I love hearing from the amazing people who read my story. Please? **

**Love ya, Potterheadgleekmsdarrencriss .**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey! I survived Survival Camp! Yay! It was actually so much fun. Anyway, I've got a new chapter up, as promised, and I hope you enjoy! Thanks so much to every one who reviewed, followed and favourited, it is very much appreciated. Big thanks to my beta reader, RebeccaRipple, you are a legend! **

Disclaimer: I do not own Glee

Walking hurts. I bite my lip in an attempt to relieve some of the pain, but it only makes my lips hurt. I try to walk as normally as possible so that no one will notice that something's wrong. I walk towards Brittany's locker, sure that she will be able to help me out.

"Brittany?" I say softly, a little nervous for some reason. Brittany turns around, a smile crossing her face when she sees me.

"Hey, Rach! How was your date with Finn?" Brittany seems to have forgotten my outburst on Friday, which is a relief. It will make this so much easier. Wait- what did she say?

"How did you know I had a date with Finn?" I forget what my initial reason for talking to Brittany is and instantly panic. Does the whole school know how I went on a date with Finn and then walked out like a frightened little mouse?

"Santana told me." Brittany says simply, as though it was obvious. But how did Santana find out? More to the point: why hadn't she talked to me about it?

"You talked to Santana? When?" A million thoughts fly through my mind at once. Is she angry with me? Would she try to avoid me? Would she hate me because I went on a date with Finn? No. She doesn't like me like that.

"Yesterday afternoon. I went to her house, but she was still in bed. She seemed depressed. Or really happy." I look at Brittany, confusion showing on my face.

"What do you mean?" I say softly, trying to make sense of Brittany's words. Brittany closes her locker and takes a second to gather her thoughts.

"Well she was eating ice-cream. She only does that when she's really happy or really sad." Brittany cocks her head to one side, as if wondering why I was asking. I think about Santana. Have I hurt her more than I thought? It kills me to know that I have hurt my friend so much. In any case, the plan is still in action.

I lean in to whisper to the Blonde. "Brittany I need your help."

Xx

_I know I was wrong_

_For treating you the way I did _

_I have so much on my mind_

_I didn't know where you fit in _

_And if I could do it all over again_

_I'll never treat you that way _

_I apologize for the pain that I caused_

_And I just wanna say _

_I'm sorry _

_So sorry_

_For treating you the way I did_

_I'm sorry _

_So sorry _

_For leaving you the way I did_

_When I close my eyes _

_I think of how it used to be _

_That's when I realized _

_Just how much you mean to me _

_A second chance is all that I need _

_To change what's wrong and make it right_

_A fool I was to let you slip away _

_When I know I need you in my life _

_I'm sorry_

_So sorry_

_For treating you the way I did _

_I'm sorry_

_So sorry_

_For leaving you the way I did_

_I'm sorry_

_So sorry_

_For treating you the way I did _

_I'm sorry_

_So sorry_

_For leaving you the way I did_

_You gotta believe me when I say that_

_I'm sorry_

_So sorry_

_For treating you_

_I'll never never never hurt you again _

_I'm sorry_

_For leaving you_

_I'm sorry_

There is the distinct sound of clapping that answers my performance. I squint into the darkness where the chairs are, which proves difficult because of the spotlight that is shining on my face. It isn't the first time I've performed in the auditorium, but it's the first time someone has clapped me.

"Who's there?" I call, still not being able to see into the black. When no one answers, I step down from the stage, eager to meet my applauder.

I stop in my tracks as my stomach fills with the nervous fluttering I get every time I see Santana.

"What are you- you weren't supposed to – it wasn't ready!" I say quickly, biting my lip in anticipation. Santana takes a step towards me.

"What are you talking about Rach?" Santana's eyes are puffy, like she had been crying. But that couldn't be right. Santana Lopez doesn't cry.

"I- uh – I was practicing… it was gunna be this whole thing where I said sorry to you, and Brittany help me choose the song, and I was gunna get back up dancers and I'm so sorry." I blurt out, so frustrated that I had messed it up.

Santana smiles, and my heart jumps in hope. "Rachel, it was perfect. I forgive you. I'm sorry if I was too nosy, I tend to do that sometimes. You didn't have to go to this much effort, a simple 'sorry' would have been enough."

I smile widely, so glad that I was forgiven. There was still one thing nagging in the back of my mind, though. "Santana, can we talk?"

Santana nods slowly, confusion building behind her eyes. I sit down in one of the audience seats, and motion for her to join me.

"What is it Rachel?" I take a breath, and look into Santana's eyes. They were the same color as her cousin's, but not the same shape. Santana's are wider, and have a certain sparkle that Emily's just didn't have.

"How did you know about my date with Finn?" It came out louder than I intended, but I was pretty sure it wasn't the volume that shook Santana, but the question.

"I saw you. I was there with Puck and I saw you come in, and sit next to Finn. It's not like I was spying on you or anything, I only saw you once. I- Did you have a good time?" Santana sounds like she was leaving out something, but I don't let it bother me too much.

"I left." My voice is barely a whisper.

"What?" Santana asks quietly, not wanting to push me too hard.

"Finn is sweet and all, but I just couldn't stay there, knowing what I had done to one of the only people to be nice to me for the first time in what seems like forever." I took a deep breath. "I can't tell you, Santana, about what's happened to me in the past. Maybe some day I will have the strength to do that, but not yet. For now I just want to think about the present, and spend time with my amazing friends."

Santana sighs and looks towards the stage. "Hey Rachel, are you ticklish?" Santana looks me in the eyes with a serious expression on her face. What an odd, random question.

"Err, I guess?" At this Santana smiles evilly and before I can react, Santana is tickling me.

"No! No!" I gasp, laughing harder than I ever have before. It's one of the weirdest sensations I have ever experienced. I haven't been tickled since my dad used to tickle me when I was 3.

Suddenly I stop laughing as the pain shoots through my body and I double over, clenching my stomach and letting out a sharp groan.

"Rachel? What's wrong?" Santana says, fear obvious in her tone. I bite my lip, realizing my mistake too late.

"Nothing. I've just got a stomach ache." I look into Santana's eyes, and I can tell she doesn't believe me.

I turn my gaze to the floor and stand up. "See you at lunch OK?" I race up to the door, not giving Santana a second glance. If anyone knew how my aunt treated me, Dayna would not show me any grace.

**I hope you liked it and I should have a new chapter up soon! Big thanks to ****amazinglife18, sammywammy1120, Em (Guest), FlatWeasley, Rebecca Ripple, A (Guest), and JWilson18 for reviewing, you make my life so much happier! Please review, it means the world to me, and there is a cookie for anyone who reviews!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey! Thank you so much for all the reviews and follows and such! I have Chocolate Chip Cookies for those who reviewed, as promised! *****Hands them over*****. But seriously, thank you. It means a lot guys, more than you can know. Huge thanks to my amazing friend and beta reader, RebeccaRipple, you are a life saver!**

**Disclaimer: I guess this is where I sign and say I don't own Glee…?**

_I was 13. Far too young to have experienced what I had, far too young to be so bitter, so damaged, far too young to be in hospital as a result of my parents' anger. The wound still hurt horribly, and they told me it would scar. I couldn't look into a mirror, because I was so afraid. Hiram and Leroy, my fathers, wouldn't even let my sister come to see me, as it would scare her too much._

_You would think that something like that happening to your daughter would make you stop fighting, but the fights continued. I hated that I was stuck in the hospital while Anne was left alone with her dads. I needed Anne, and Anne needed me. _

_I rested my head on the pillow, not having the energy to feel anymore. Was I too young to have given up on life? Probably. Did I have good reason? Yes. Any positivity I may have had a month ago had vanished. _

_I looked over to my neighbour's bed. She was an eight-year-old girl, with a broken arm. She was being tended to by one of the nurses' daughters, who looked about my age. I had seen her around, cheering up patients, but I couldn't remember her name. She had short, straight hair, and dark brown eyes. I stared in awe at her gentle nature. _

_She walks towards my bed and I shrink beneath my sheets, ashamed of my face. "Hey, do you need anything?" Her voice is soft and caring, and I felt like I would give anything to be her for just one day; to be happy, and willing to help anyone. I don't answer, and I stay beneath my sheets until I hear her move away from my bed._

_That was the last time I ever saw her, and by the end of the week I had forgotten all about her. _

I sat down beside Brittany at the cafeteria, not being able to erase the smile from my face. "Rachel! I haven't seen you smile in ages!" Brittany practically squeals into my ear. I think back over the last week. She was right. Despite the fact that Santana almost found out about the bruises, she had forgiven me, and we were still friends. I can't remember ever feeling more relieved.

Santana sits down opposite Brittany and I, and smiles at me. It's so nice just to see her without feeling the stab of guilt I had been feeling for the past week. "Hey Santana." In a few minutes, I am completely distracted from any sort of flicker of my past. I forget who I am, and lose myself in my joy.

"Hey Santana, what's the date today?" Brittany asks, out of the blue. I laugh at her random timing. She was so precious. Santana giggles too, before checking her watch to inform Brittany of the date.

"It's the 21st of January, Britt." Santana says, and suddenly I stop laughing. How could I have forgotten? Brittany notices my change in stature.

"What's wrong, Rachel?" Santana looks at me too, a concerned look on her face.

"I- I forgot it's my sister's birthday today." I say as casually as I can manage.

"I didn't know you had a sister, Rach." Santana says softly.

"Does she own the moon?!" For once, Brittany's outburst does not make me smile. In fact, I do not smile for the rest of lunch. Sometimes even your friends can't save you from your past.

Xx

"Just the flowers, thanks." I mutter to the cashier. I look at the daffodils, wishing I could buy something more expensive, more worthy of Anne. But, alas, I do not have enough money.

I hand over the money and walk out of the shop, beginning my long walk to the cemetery. I wish I could visit Anne everyday, but the cemetery is too far away; two hours by walking in fact. Instead I settle for every Christmas, and every year on her birthday and anniversary.

When I reach the gate, I swing it open and make my way in, undaunted by the hundreds of dead bodies that lie beneath my feet. I used to be afraid, but that fear has long gone. I did everything I could for Anne, and if it meant conquering my fear of death, I was up to it.

I make it to her plaque, using every last ounce of strength I contained to not cry. I could be strong for Anne. I had to be, every day my dads fought. But it's harder now. Now I don't have her.

"Happy Birthday, Anne. I really hope you're happy. I- I got these for you." I lay down the daffodils at the top of her plaque, shivering slightly at the gush of wind that tore through my clothes. "I'm good, I finally said sorry to Santana. I- I admit that I have a crush on her now, it's not Emily." Yes, I am blurting, but I am just trying to distract myself, so that the tears wouldn't find their way to my eyes.

"I have a song for you." I say, suddenly remembering. I kneeled down next to the plaque, took a deep breath and started singing.

_I've been knock, knock, knocking at the thought of your door_

_But you're not, not, not here anymore_

_I ring, ring, ring you're every thought in my head_

_But I can't get through, the connection is dead_

_I want, want to tell you about the news today_

_But you wouldn't believe me, you'd laugh it away_

_There's a ghost standing at the foot of my bed_

_And it's you, it's you, it's you, it was you_

_They told me who was in trouble_

_I couldn't breathe on the other side of the world_

_And there was nothing I could do to help you_

_And it's true today it'd be your birthday_

_It would've been your 27th year_

_And I miss you in the earth's atmosphere_

_I wish you were here_

_[ Lyrics from: ]_

_I go back, back, back at every memory you left_

_But the clock ticks over every minute we shared_

_On my knees begging for it not to be true_

_But it was you, it was you, it was you, it was you_

_They told me who was in trouble_

_I couldn't breathe on the other side of the world_

_And there was nothing I could do to help you_

_And it's true today it'd be your birthday_

_It would've been your 27th year_

_And I miss you in the earth's atmosphere_

_I wish you were here_

_Instead of just in my dreams and in my imagination_

_Confusing me completely from another dimension_

_Can you see the beauty from a new beginning somewhere_

_Because I feel like I won't repair with time_

_They told me who was in trouble_

_I couldn't breathe on the other side of the world_

_And there was nothing I could do to help you_

_And it's true today it'd be your birthday_

_It would've been your 27th year_

_And I miss you in the earth's atmosphere_

_I wish you were here_

"I mean every word of it, Anne, I really do." Suddenly I don't care about being strong. The tears win, and the water drops onto her grave, as if in slow motion. I don't remember walking home, but I end up outside… wait… Santana's house? I knock on the door, and when she answers, I fall, exhausted, into her arms, without so much as a hello.

Santana doesn't question my actions like anyone else would. Instead she picks me up and carries me upstairs, laying me on her bed without a word. If I were thinking clearly, I definitely would not have done what I did. But I wasn't. And Santana's actions confirm my feelings. But there is no way I could tell her.

**I hope you enjoyed it, let me know with a review. Thanks to ****sammywammy1120, mariahaddict88, Em (Guest), amazinglife18, JWilson18, and CarolineSC, you guys are the reason I update so fast. If everyone who is reading this, reviews, it would make me so very happy. Please?**


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey! I know I haven't updated in a while, and I'm sorry. To make up for it, here is another chapter! I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys have made a week of exams and tests a joy! A huge thanks to my beautiful beta reader, RebeccaRipple, who has been amazing!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

Santana's P.O.V

Seeing her like this hurts. She, although asleep, is shivering severely, and she looks so fragile. I realize that she is probably shivering because of her cold, drenched clothes.

It takes me all of two seconds to decide to change her into something warmer, and more comfortable.

I carefully and slowly prop her up higher onto the pillows, so as to make it easier to change her. I walk to my dresser, and pull out the first top I see. Anything would look good on Rachel, and clothing choice isn't really high on my list of priorities right now.

I slide my fingers under the edge of her top, the contact sending little shivers through my spine. I peel the top up over her non-existent stomach, the wetness of the clothing making it harder to pull off.

I lift her arms gently, as to pull off her top completely over her head. I decide to leave her bra on, as some new clothes should keep her dry enough. I look over her stomach briefly out of curiosity, and for the first time, I realize how skinny she is. No girl should be that skinny. Is she anorexic? No. I would have noticed.

My eyes leave the ribs sticking out of her chest, and settle on the large purple-blue circles of skin that seem to be everywhere. I realize they are bruises. I have never seen bruises like these in my life. They are not a mere color on her body, but a living thing, killing the skin it touches, creating the skin of an old woman throughout Rachel's body.

My fingers hover over one particularly large bruise, as if wanting to heal, to rid Rachel of the pain. I have to close my eyes for a second to regain my breath, and my sanity. I wonder how I have never noticed this before, as they are all over Rachel's arms, but then I remember how Rachel is always wearing jumpers and clothes that are used to conceal. I had always wondered why she wore so many layers, even on the hottest of days.

She went to so much effort to hide this, but why? Who was doing this to her? I am reminded how little I know of Rachel's home-life - her past, which she is so afraid to talk about.

It takes me a few minutes to realize that Rachel is still shivering, as I haven't yet put on a top. I grab it from behind me and slide onto her thin body. The shivering subsides somewhat, as the woolen top warms her up.

I feel a strong urge to kiss her, to share her pain and heal her, but I shake it off. It isn't attraction I am feeling; it is sympathy. I know what it's like to not like the way you are, to keep secrets from the world, to have someone who you love unconditionally, only love you under stupid conditions. I know what that feels like. Or, rather, knew. It isn't like that anymore. I just hope it'll never be that way again.

I am not Santana when I am with Rachel. I am a person I never even knew existed. I do not know very much about Rachel, but I know that the pain from our pasts has caused the undeniable pull between us. And I never want to let go. She may not remember me from the hospital, but I remember her, as if it were yesterday, and not 3 years ago.

I pull the blankets from my bed up to her neck, making sure she was as warm as possible. I think back to this afternoon's events and how natural it all felt. I don't question it; just observe it.

I sat up from where I had been sitting on the bed, and go to leave the room so as to inform Dad of Rachel's presence. I glance back as I reach the door, and for the first time, truly realize how beautiful Rachel is. I smile sadly and leave, leaving the door slightly open.

I don't know what happened to Rachel, not now, not 3 years ago. I just want to help, more than I've wanted to help anyone ever before.

Xx – Rachel's POV – 3 years ago

"_What's wrong?" Emily asked me, more to make conversation than because she was concerned, but I took it as a sign of worry._

"_I just don't think I can handle telling everyone. I'm not strong enough. I have barely come to terms with it. I mean, how do you tell all your friends you're a lesbian?" Emily sighed and looked down at me._

"_Ask me out, then." I stared at her, thinking she must be joking. But her expression was completely serious._

"_I- What?" I held my breath, waiting for her to continue. Emily held my hand in hers and smiled._

"_I like you, and I'm pretty sure you like me. You are nervous about coming out, and if we were a couple, I could help you get through it." She said it so bluntly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. It was true, I did have a crush on Emily, but I had no idea she knew about it._

"_Yeah." I said, my confidence growing as I thought about the idea. "So, a movie on the weekend? I'll buy the popcorn." Emily nodded, thinking this over._

"_OK, see you then." She walked away and waved at me, smiling softly. I waved back eagerly, realizing for the first time in the last couple of minutes that my best friend had just become my girlfriend. _

Xx

I open my eyes, allowing a second for my eyes to adjust to the light. As they do, I realize that I don't recognize my surroundings, at least, not straight away. It takes me a few minutes of looking around to identify the bed and the room I am lying down in as Santana's. It's another few minutes before I notice I am wearing her top, and to recall the events after I arrived at the cemetery.

As I am contemplating what I should do next, the bedroom door creaks open and Santana is revealed, wearing jeans and a simple light blue top. She hasn't put any effort into her attire, but she looks simply stunning.

She is holding two steaming mugs and I smile at the effort she has obviously gone to.

"Oh Rachel, good, you're up. Here, I've made us some hot chocolate." She says, placing a hot cup into my hand.

"Thanks." I say gratefully, unable to remember the last time I'd had a hot chocolate. It is then that I think about how much I have come to care for Santana, how close we've become. It frightens me. If there is one lesson I have learnt from my life, it's that, the closer you get to someone, the more it will hurt when they leave you. Three years ago, I promised myself I would never get close to anyone ever again, as I am sure they will leave me.

My parents, my sister, Emily, Mimi, everyone I ever cared about, gone, one by one, like how someone who was trying to get information from you would pull your fingernails out slowly as to get maximum effect. I can't help but think it was me that was the problem; that it was I that caused them all to leave.

Santana coughed awkwardly, like she is avoiding something.

"Rachel, who hurt you?" My eyes widen.

"Rachel, tell me, please. You don't deserve to be hurt, and I know they aren't ordinary bruises." Santana's voice is pleading, about to break with emotion. I have never seen her like this. This is not cheerleader Santana, this is not the girl who was so mean to people she hardly knew, just because she liked it. That girl had disappeared a long time ago. But this – this is a side to her that I'm sure not even she has seen before.

"How do you know what I deserve? Maybe I did something horrible, and I am just getting back what I have given." I look down, ashamed by the truth in the words, no matter how much I wish it were different.

"That's not true. I know, because I know you, and you would never hurt someone on purpose, Rachel. And that's why you need to tell me who is hurting you. Who is it, a parent, a relative?" Suddenly I can't take the interrogation anymore. I have to tell her, to tell someone.

"It's my aunt. I live with my aunt, and sometimes she- drinks more than she should. This is the result." I lift up my arms shamefully.

Santana winces at the sight of them. "Rachel, you need to get out of that house. You can come stay here for as long as you need to, but you can't stay with your aunt."

"It's not as simple as that."

"Of course it is. She's hurting you, Rachel! I- If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me, for a girl who is in pain seeing her friend hurt. Please."

I can't say no. I hadn't thought that it would affect Santana. Sure, the prospect of facing Dayna and telling her I was leaving was frightening, but the idea that I was hurting someone I cared for was even scarier.

"OK. For you."

**I really hope you enjoyed it! There will be a new chapter up soon, I hope. Big thanks to ****RoseLilianShadow, ****amazinglife18, ****GypsySoul05,****Em (Guest), J.J (Guest), ****JWilson18, ****caseyrn12, CarolineSC and A (Guest), you guys are so, so great, I write for you guys. Please review, the review box is lonely, and if everyone who read this reviewed, it would make me happier than you could ever imagine! Thanks! **


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey! I am so sorry I haven't uploaded in such a long time! I have just finished exams and tests for the end of the year! Yay, summer! Thanks for reading and I really hope you enjoy this chapter. Huge thank you to my beta reader, who is the reason this got published at all, she is a saint!**

**Disclaimer: Hard to believe that I would own Glee if I was writing fan fiction for it… I do not own Glee.**

I fall asleep, and dream of a tall brunette, a mischievous smile and brown eyes I fall asleep, and dream of a tall brunette, a mischievous smile and brown eyes that twinkled in the dark. I stood in front of her. I could feel that I was loosing balance, the earth disappearing beneath me. There was a heavy feeling in my chest. I looked behind me, and saw that I was standing precariously on the edge of a cliff, leaning towards the darkness.

I felt hands grab my waist and pull me back towards the light. I steadied myself once my feet were once again firmly placed on the ground. The girl smiled, relieved, and pulled me closer. Tingles crept up my spine and she leant forward.

I open my eyes suddenly, my chest rapidly moving up and down. It takes me a few seconds to steady my breathing. I look around and smile when I see I am still in Santana's bedroom. I feel the sensation of soft breathing on my bare neck, and I turn around to face Santana, who is still sleeping.

God, she is adorable, her eyelashes gently fluttering, one strand of hair draped across her face. I really don't want to like her, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. She's everything I've ever wanted, everything I have ever needed. She is the one good thing in my life. I see her, and instantly my heart warms. She makes me feel important, like I matter. No one except Anne, Emily and Mimi has ever made me feel like that. Even with Emily, it was an act. Even my own parents didn't have the decency to ask how I felt when my own sister died. In a way, I'm glad they didn't. It made it easier to let go.

I don't know why I think about Santana like a relationship between us is possible. The way of the world is that the ones we love leave us. Then again, so does everyone else.

Xx

"Please, you can wait outside here. If anything happens, I'll scream." My voice doesn't waver, despite my fear. The head chief nods solemnly, and I turn to the door. Suddenly, a hand clasps mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"You didn't think I'd let you do this alone, did you?" Yet again, I am blown away by Santana's willingness to help.

Taking my key from my pocket, I lift my hand and place the key in the keyhole of the door, with a confidence I wouldn't have had if not for Santana. I turn the key and gently push the on the handle slowly, as if stalling will help prevent the pain.

Breathing heavily, I push until the door is fully open. Santana steps inside, with a look of determination on her face. She is still holding my hand, so I am forced to follow. I can't help but notice how perfectly our hands fit together.

I am hit with the stench of vomit; vomit that I would usually clean up. I can tell just by looking around the hallway that she had gotten drunk recently. There were fragments of broken glass scattered on the stairs, and a hole in the wall; her punching bag when I'm not around.

"Is this how it usually looks?" Santana's eyes widen, her grip around my hand tightening.

"When I'm not around to clean it." I answer simply, and walk a few steps further into the house.

"I didn't think you'd come back."

I whip my head around, and sense Santana does the same, as I look at the slight figure; small, but strong. Several piercings, pink highlights in her hair, and a very revealing outfit. She is leaning against the doorframe, leading to the lounge room. Her voice is dangerously calm. I am scared.

"Is this her, Rach?" Santana's voice doesn't falter, and she talks like Dayna has personally hurt her. I nod stiffly.

"This your girlfriend, hobbit? Even had a little nickname for you; isn't that cute? You're disgusting. I knew you were just like my homo brother. I tried to raise you right, but it can't be fixed. It's a disease. Hopefully one day they'll find a cure. I always knew there was something wrong with you other than your face, and here's the proof." I am scared that she is still speaking in that quiet, calm voice. For some reason, at these words, something sets Santana to snap.

"How can you say that to your own niece? If there's anyone who has something wrong with them, it's you. I've seen how you've hurt her. You don't deserve so even know someone like Rachel. You are just a miserable, old woman who is incapable of love." The words are bitter, like Santana has been waiting a long time to say them.

Dayna doesn't move and I step closer to her, breathing heavily. "I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back. I'm not going to clean up after you anymore. I just can't take it any longer. I think- I know I deserve more than this."

Xx – Santana's P.O.V

Rachel's aunt's hands tighten around a glass bottle of wine that lay behind her, and slowly she picks it up. I see the hate in her eyes, and I pull Rachel behind me, as I turn around, holding her, shielding her. The glass bottle landed beside us, shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying everywhere. I feel a few of them stab into my leg, but it doesn't faze me, as long as Rachel's not hurt.

I turn around back to Dayna and scream, "Help!" at the top of my lungs. In a flash, the police come through the door, holding guns and pulling Rachel and me away. We watch from the stairwell as they hold down and handcuff the resisting woman.

Xx – Rachel's P.O.V

I walk up to the blonde cheerleader, who is standing in the hallway. I am trying to breathe evenly when she notices me. "Rachel! How is living with Santana? She told me about you getting your stuff from your house. I was wondering how you would get a gypsy caravan out of a house, but then Santana said you didn't have one. What a relief!"

For once, I don't laugh at the cuteness that is Brittany. "Brittany, I have to talk to you about something."

"Sure, Rachel, what is it?" I pull Brittany into the nearest classroom and sit down, gesturing for her to do the same.

"I- I have a crush on Santana. I don't know what to do, or if I should tell her, or anything." Brittany looks confused, like she can't see how I can't see the obvious solution.

"Just ask her out."

" No! I can't. She doesn't like me like that. Who would?" I allow a tear to leave my eyes and run down my cheek, while shifting my position, trying to find some comfort in the wooden chair on which I sit

"Rachel! You can't say that! You're smart and really nice, and you are one of the prettiest girls I've met."

"That's a lie. I'm damaged. Who could love someone like me? My dads certainly don't, Emily didn't. And Santana won't; I just know it. And before you tell me that that isn't true, answer me this: Why did everyone I've ever loved, leave me in the end?

At this, Brittany is speechless. "See? There's a reason I'm alone. There's a reason everyone abandoned me. I'm broken, Brittany. Just look at me; I'm worthless. And that isn't about to change, no matter how much I hope it might."

I stand and walk towards the door, not giving Brittany a second glance. I know what I have said is true. I am nothing to no one, and that's how it's supposed to be.

**I really hope you enjoyed it! I love each and every one of you, so much. Big thanks to ****Em (Guest), amazinglife18, GypsySoul05, sammywammy1120, JWilson18, CarolineSC, A (Guest), Guest, and Acceptance For All, you guys have made writing so much more enjoyable. I write for you guys, so I hope you enjoyed this! Please review, it makes a 14 year old girl feel on top of the world, and it will help me get through my auditions for Young Australian Broadway Chorus, wish me luck!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey! I am so sorry for the long time between updates. My mum was in hospital, and then Christmas came, and I was also working on another story (check it out, it's called "Should Have Been You" and it's Faberry) I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's a real turning point in their relationship (not in the way you might think). Huge thank you to my amazing beta reader, RebeccaRipple, she is truly marvelous.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.**

"Get up, Rach." Her voice is insistent, but soft, and I snuggle deeper into the bed and blankets. I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed, or free.

"Jus' a second,'" I murmur. I hear Santana's laugh. I try to open my eyes to see her face, but the light is too bright, so they are forced shut again.

"One… It's been a second."

"Make that an hour." I say defiantly, attempting to delay my getting up in any way. I hold on tightly to my blankets as an extra precaution.

Apparently I don't hold on tightly enough, because the next second I am stripped of the bed covers, courtesy of Santana. The cold hits me, and I wrap my arms around myself, trying to maintain my body heat.

I am wearing a nightie, but I am still self-conscious. I try to hide myself by turning over, so my back is facing Santana.

"C'mon lazy bones. You are finally free! Today we celebrate." I smile at the kookiness that is Santana. She never fails to surprise me. Even if she will only ever be a friend, I am so happy to have her in my life. My life turned around the moment she looked me in the eye and asked me what was wrong with my face.

Xx – Santana's P.O.V

We lay out the picnic blanket, and I open the basket, taking out the salad and Sloppy Janes- a vegan meal I spent ages searching the recipe for. Rachel smiles, which causes a smile to break out on my face, too. She is wearing skinny jeans and a plain blue long-sleeve top. She looks gorgeous, and I wish the feeling that was coming over me would go away. It scares me.

"Thank you for all this, Santana. It really- it helps."

"Oh, its no problem. And don't worry about the food, it's all vegan." I watch as she picks up the Sloppy Jane and takes a bite, and I am happy to see her so relaxed and comfortable. It's been a while since I've seen her like that.

"You didn't have to go to that trouble, but thanks."

"You seem happy." I say, voicing my observations.

"Yeah, well, I am. I mean, not everything is perfect, and it still hurts to think about the past, but at least I don't have to live in fear now. And I have you to thank for that." Rachel looks into my eyes, and I nod slightly, acknowledging her thanks.

"I just couldn't bear knowing you were going through that."

"You know you snore at night?" Rachel says suddenly and I burst out laughing at the random comment and the mischievous grin forming on Rachel's face.

"I do not snore!" I reply, huffing and crossing my arms.

"Yes you do," Rachel nods firmly.

"It's called 'sleep-singing;' its very common." I have always had a nasal problem, so I know she's not lying, but I'm not going to let her tease me without a fight.

Rachel throws back her head and laughs. "That's good- very funny. You should be a comedian."

"It is a talent I wish to pursue, coincidently."

"Is that so?" Rachel says as she reaches into her bag and pulls out a notebook and pen.

"What are you doing?" I laugh, forever intrigued by Rachel's strange doings.

"Writing 'sleep-singing'. That is priceless. Plus, we need a record of the day Santana Lopez went crazy." She writes as she talks and I chuckle, amazed.

"You seriously have a notebook full of weird things you hear people say?"

"Hey! This book is going to be very valuable one day. Capturing the awkward and funny moments of humanity. Most of it is a thing my aunt has said when she was drunk. Oh and the rest is Brittany, of course."

"Of course." I smile, just imagining the type of things Rachel would have in that notebook concerning Brittany.

Xx – Rachel's P.O.V

I take a deep breath. I didn't want to do this, but everything just seems right. I am scared of her potential response, but I have to do it. I have to ask her.

"Brittany actually gave me some pretty decent advice recently."

Santana gulps at the suddenly serious atmosphere I have created. "Oh?"

"Yeah… Santana? Is this a date?" I try to speak as loud as I can, to show my confidence.

Santana's eyes snap to mine and her jaw tightens. "What?"

Her tone makes my blood run cold, and I repeat the question, stuttering at her reaction. "I-is this a-a date?"

"Why would say something like that? We were having a lovely meal and you just have to go and ruin it, don't you?"

"I-"

"No. No!" Her tone is filled with anger and fear.

"It's OK, I-" I start, but get cut off by her glare.

"I. Am. Not. Gay. I don't like you, and I never will. I didn't become your friend so I could come on to you. It's not like that. It never was." She says through clenched teeth. I don't know what to do. I've never seen her this defensive and well- mean.

"I just- I thought-" I stammer, even though I have no idea what I am going to say.

"You thought wrong." Her voice is so bitter, so harsh. Her features are so different that I don't recognise her anymore. She is not Santana Lopez, my friend. She is Santana Lopez, head cheerleader and bully.

The pain is like a stab in the leg. Not enough to kill, but enough to scar. And I have a feeling it will scar worse than the one on my face. My eyesight blurs with tears. I knew she didn't like me. I knew it. Why did I have to go and get my hopes up? Now I have a feeling that I have ruined our friendship too. And I can't handle that.

Santana looks at her lap, the fury and fear radiating from her. "You should go." Her voice is barely a whisper, but I hear it loud and clear. I stand up slowly, the cold now stinging my skin. I wrap my fingers around the handle of the bag and walk away. Once I am sure I am out of her sight, I start to run, the tears flowing furiously.

Xx

One hour later and I look up to find I am completely and utterly lost. Not in actuality- I know my way back to the house. I just don't know where my home is anymore. Maybe I never had one.

Xx – Santana's P.O.V

I don't know how long I spend in the park after Rachel leaves. It could have been minutes, or hours. I don't care. All I can do is replay the conversation in my head. Every time I cringe harder. My hands are shaking in fear of what would have happened if I said yes and dad found out. Part of me thinks it would have been worth it. Another part of me is deadly scared of my father. The rest of me is just guilt. Pure guilt.

**I hope you liked it. Don't worry; there is a reason Santana is acting like this. I am so sorry for leaving it that way, but things will turn out well in the end, I promise. Big thanks to ****frustratedwriter13, Em (Guest), sammywammy1120, JWilson18, The-HeYa-Couch-Sees-All, A (Guest), CarolineSC, amazinglife18, and Tgleek1321 for reviewing, you guys helped me through a tough time. Please review, it gives me inspiration, and makes me so happy.**


	17. Chapter 17 - Out

**Hey! Sorry for the wait, I was at the beach. Thank you so much for your love and care, you guys are too kind. Please take the time to read the lyrics of the song in this chapter; they strongly reflect Rachel's feelings. Thanks again for your patience. Big thanks to my absolutely amazing beta reader, RebeccaRipple, my chapters wouldn't be as good without her. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Darren Criss… or Glee.**

* * *

I am so broken. The saying is true, you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I didn't realize how much I need Santana until the moment she was out of sight. How much I love her.

After hours of contemplating I find myself at Santana's house. I don't know if I'd be making things worse, but I need to know where we stand. My hand lingers over the doorbell for far too long before I ring it. The door opens, and to my relief, Mr. Lopez is standing behind it.

"Hello, Rachel." His voice is gruff. He is not an openly compassionate man, and he is often closed off and cold, but he has never been downright mean.

"Um, hi, sir. Is- is Santana home?" I ask, trying to look past him for a sign of the girl that I love.

"No, she sent me a text saying she was at Brittany's and was staying there for the night. You can still stay here, though." He adds, gathering that his daughter didn't invite me.

I don't know whether to accept his offer, since I had just wanted to talk to Santana, but considering I have no place else to go, I nod. "Thank you." I look down at my feet and walk into the house. I start to walk up the stairs.

"Do you want dinner?" Mr. Lopez asks drearily. I stop walking and turn, looking at him.

"No, thanks. I think I'll just go to sleep." I sigh and walk up to the bedroom, closing the door softly behind me. I sit on the bed, emotionally and physically exhausted. I close my eyes, breathing in and out. When I can find the strength within myself, I stand slowly and walk over to the mirror that hung on one of Santana's wall.

As always, the first thing I see is the scar. But instead of trying to look beyond it, I start to see it as a part of my face. I realize how much I have changed. I cringe, as I suddenly remember why Santana is not in the room. It's because no matter what I do, I can't get the image of disgust and fear on Santana's face out of my mind. I don't even have the strength to cry anymore.

I look around the bedroom, hating that it held so many memories of Santana. It's like I can't escape her, but in a weird way, I don't want to. Maybe that's the real reason I came here tonight.

I walk back over to the bed and sit down again. For a second I imagine her here.

_She puts her glass of water down on the dresser, and hums to herself as she chooses a novel from her extensive collection. Who knew that Santana Lopez is a reader, right? Her hair shines in the light from the lamp on the bedside table. She walks over to the bed and lays down, snuggling deep into the blankets._

I shake my head when I remember that Santana isn't here. I think over the day's events, and then the months beforehand. I was so sure that we had something special, something more than friendship, but obviously not.

I lay my head down on the pillow, and sing, in an effort to comfort myself. I wish more than anything that I hadn't made that mistake tonight. That nothing had changed between us.

_If it's okay_

_I'll leave the bed light on_

_And place your water glass where it belongs_

_And if alright_

_I'll lie awake at night_

_Pretending I'm curled up at your side_

_See I'm circling these patterns_

_Living out of memories_

_I'm still a long way from accepting it_

_That there's just no you and me_

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'Cause i can't break it to my heart_

_Is it just me_

_Did I commit a crime_

_I won't believe that loving you_

_Is just a waste of time_

_Or was it in my head_

_I'm reading into things that you never said_

_'Cause I still don't have the answers_

_To why we couldn't work it out_

_I wanna think it's something that I did_

_So I can turn it back around_

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'Cause I can't break it to my heart_

_And nothing will come between us_

_I wanna convince myself we're perfect in_

_Every single way as long as I can keep_

_The truth away from my heart_

_Oh 'cause I can't break it to my heart_

_'Cause I still don't have all the answers_

_To why we couldn't work it out_

_I wanna think it's something that I did_

_So I can turn it back around_

_But if I still believe you love me_

_Maybe I'll survive_

_So I tell myself you're coming home_

_Like you've done a million times_

_And if it's alright_

_I'll still be loving you_

_'Cause I can't break it to my heart_

* * *

"I stuffed things up so bad. I am just so- scared." Santana mumbled as she fell asleep on Brittany's couch.

* * *

I get up to go to school early the next day, as Mr. Lopez told me that Santana is coming back briefly for some clothes later this morning, and I didn't think this was the type of situation you could discuss over fifteen minutes.

When I get to school, I see Brittany at her locker. I walk up to her, chewing subconsciously on the inside of my cheek. "Hey Britt." My voice is soft, because I honestly don't have the energy to talk loudly.

"Rach! I haven't talked to you in ages. Like, three years."

I smile weakly. "Yeah, sorry about that. How's Santana?" Brittany hugs me and I return the hug. It feels nice to be comforted.

"She's eating ice cream again. She didn't come to school today. I know she's sad this time because she keeps talking to herself. She only does that when she's super sad. I tried asking her why, but she wouldn't tell me." My heart beats faster.

* * *

I am walking towards my locker at the start of lunch, to put away my books. My eyes are glued to the ground, and I feel a bit queasy. The floor is a pale cream color, covered with scratches and skid marks. I see two large sneakers attached to two equally big legs stop in front of me. Not in a confronting, potentially controlling way, but in a slow realization. I look up.

"Hey, Rachel." Finn smiles and I shift my weight to one side, trying to pull my features into what I hope is a welcoming expression.

"Hi, Finn." I reply, and look around him, not really in the mood for a chat. I pull a strand of loose hair behind my ear, even though I know it makes my scar more noticeable. Maybe I am hoping it will.

Finn shuffles uncertainly for a few seconds. He takes a breath big enough to fill four lungs, and breathes out only half as much. "I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me. Again." I sigh. I really can't deal with this right now.

"No." I say bluntly, trying my best to look apologetic. I go to move past him, but he blocks my path.

"Just give me another chance, I-"

"No." I repeat, slightly more aggravated.

"But I think you and I would be perfect together. You sing, I sing." I am not even listening anymore.

"No, Finn." My voice is raised, and I am angry. Why can't he just leave me alone? I _don't_ like boys.

"You know, I really, really like you. You have a good voice, and you are cute." He tried again. My blood boils and I grip my books tighter, resisting the urge to strangle him, but only just.

"No! Just leave me alone!" I plead, trying to push past him with my shoulders.

"Why?!" He yells.

"Because I'm gay!" I yell back. Did I really just say that aloud? Panic shudders through me. The anger is gone, replaced with fear. Everyone in the hallway turns to face me. The silence is so loud it burns my ears.

Finn's face drops in shock. I hear murmured whispers circulating throughout the hallway. I pray silently that I could die right there on the spot. But it doesn't happen, so I do the next best thing. I run. People don't move out of my way, and I weave through them. They are all frozen with shock.

I start checking the doors to the classrooms desperately, to find that only the small IT room is open. I open the door and slam it behind me.

A whimper escapes my throat. I collapse into a heap on the floor, and try to make myself as small as possible. I flinch at every distant sound. I don't even notice the continuous stream of tears falling down my face.

The scene replays in my mind 100 times over. Pain and fear are running through my veins, resounding in my head; so abstract, yet so physically present. I feel like I'm sinking, but never reaching the bottom. My entire being and past are pools of black blood. I lay in the classroom, long after the final bells have sounded. Eventually my thoughts fade to sleep.

_In my sleep, I dream of a princess- a damsel in distress. She is dying slowly. The evil Queen is killing her with that inviting, perfect red apple of death. She is crying out for her prince to save her. The prince is watching in the background, laughing along with everyone else, as the princess takes that last, shattering breath._

* * *

**So, Rachel's out. Kind of. Did you like it? Please let me know, it would make my day. MASSIVE thanks to ****frustratedwriter13, CarolineSC, Guest, tinygleek, sammywammy1120, JWilson18, The-HeYa-Couch-Sees-All, amazinglife18, PrincessN (Guest), BellaDora Soulmates, and A (Guest) for reviewing, you guys mean the world to me, and I hope you liked this chapter. Please review, everyone!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Yikes. I um- I would like to say sorry. I have been a horrible updater. What I did was completely unforgivable. Five months just go by so quickly. I completely understand if you hate me, but before you start smashing my head in, I have a surprise. AN UPDATE! I had such bad writer's block, but the 18th chapter is finally here! HUGE thanks to my simply marvellous friend and beta- RebeccaRipple.**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Glee... If I did, you would have to wait months between episodes.**

* * *

_3 years ago_

_"Anne? What are you doing?" I stared in shock at my younger sister, who was standing on the edge of the bridge, the harsh wind whipping across her cheeks and causing her to sway slightly._

_"I'm going to fly Rachel! I don't like it here anymore. Daddy and Papa keep fighting, and they hurt you. They hurt you really bad. They are bad people. I want to go see Granny. I want to fly away, to the rainbows and butterflies."_

_My heart caught in my throat. What did this mean? She wasn't going to - she couldn't -_

"_This isn't funny, Anne! Get down from there, now!" I pleaded, my heart in my throat._

_"I'm not making a joke, Rachel. I'll miss you heaps. You're my bestest sister and I love you. Don't worry about me; I'll be ok. "_

_Her smile was final, and I knew, deep down, that this was the last time I was going to see her. But I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. She stood, a determined expression frozen on her face; she was frightened, but ready. My heart beat was so loud in my chest I could hear nothing else. I started running._

_I ran faster, harder than I ever had before. But it wasn't enough. How could it not be enough? By the time I reached the edge of the cliff, she was gone. And I was left, with only mere memories of her smile, her compassion, her love, her innocence. Left hugging the air around me, tears streaming down my face. She was gone, never to come back. And it was all my fault._

* * *

Rachel's POV

I wake up to a cold, empty bedroom. Santana's. For a second I forget what happened the night before. Then it hits me like a truck and I instantly wish I hadn't remembered. Half the school- probably the whole school by now, knows I'm gay. Yesterday I couldn't deal with it. But now? I don't know. I feel stronger. Maybe- just maybe- I can face this.

I stand, surprised by my own confidence. I breathe in and leave the room, heading out the door. There is no sign of Santana, so I assume she is still staying at Brittany's. That makes things much easier.

Throughout the day at school, I can't escape the hate, but it is not as bad as I thought it would be. There are those that would happily beat me to a pulp for what I am, and I definitely had some horrible words thrown at me from all angles, but after all these years, I can tune them out quite effectively. I don't care about those idiots' opinions, at least not any more.

Then there is Santana. In the classes we have together, and every time I see her in the hallways, she is so cold. Like we've never met. Like I don't even exist. Maybe that's better. I hate her for how she hurt me. But- I can't help but love her too. I just need her so much, and she isn't here. Why did she have to be so cold, so mean? I miss her, but I feel like this time it's final. There's no future for us. There never was. During lunch I sit by myself in the corner of the cafeteria, looking at her face as she talks to Brittany, singing quietly under my breath.

_Your fingertips across my skin_

_The palm trees swaying in the wind_

_Images_

_You sang me Spanish lullabies_

_The sweetest silence in your eyes_

_Clever trick_

_Well I never want to see you unhappy_

_I thought you'd want the same for me_

_Goodbye my almost lover_

_Goodbye my hopeless dream_

_I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be?_

_So long my luckless romance_

_My back is turned on you_

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_

_Almost lovers always do_

_We walked along a crowded street_

_You took my hand and danced with me_

_Images_

_And when you left you kissed my lips_

_You told me you'd never ever forget these images_

_Well I never want to see you unhappy_

_I thought you'd want the same for me_

_Goodbye my almost lover_

_Goodbye my hopeless dream_

_I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be?_

_So long my luckless romance_

_My back is turned on you_

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_

_Almost lovers always do_

_I cannot go to the ocean_

_I cannot drive the streets at night_

_Cannot wake up in the morning_

_Without you by my side_

_And so you're gone and I'm haunted_

_And I bet you are just fine_

_Did I make it that easy_

_To walk right in and out of my life?_

_Goodbye my almost lover_

_Goodbye my hopeless dream_

_I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be?_

_So long my luckless romance_

_My back is turned on you_

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache_

_Almost lovers always do_

* * *

Santana's POV

I am told about it from several different people throughout the day. It isn't the news that surprises me. I know that Rachel is gay. It is the story that seems so- unlike her. Telling Finn loudly in the middle of a crowded corridor? I am impressed. I didn't know she was so courageous. And- today, she seems to be holding up so well. She's so much stronger than I am. Why do I have to be such a damn coward? I wish I could be there for her, to comfort her, hold her. But I hurt her, and now I can't go back.

At lunch I sit with Brittany. I try not to think about Rachel, because it's just too painful. I am eating my lunch when Brittany says my name. "Santana?" I look up.

"Yeah?"

"Why does everyone keep saying Rachel's gay? She doesn't seem that happy to me." Brittany's head is tilted to the side and I sigh. There is just no escaping it, I guess.

"No, Britt. They mean she likes girls. You know, the way most girls like boys." Brittany stares at me, as if waiting for me to get to the point.

"So?" She says, just as confused as ever.

"Well, we think- I mean, they think that is a sin. It's just not natural to like the same gender. It's considered wrong." I sound like my dad. So much so it feels like my heart has been filled with poison. Those words, those ideas have been drilled into my mind since I was a child. I know they are wrong, but I can't seem to change them. Like my feelings for Rachel- the more I try to shake them off, the more they hold on.

"Oh." Brittany frowns and goes silent. I look over to the corner of the room and see Rachel. Our eyes meet but I don't look away. After a few seconds she looks down, but I can't help but continue to stare at her. Under my breath I murmur an apology, one she can neither see nor hear.

2 weeks later

Rachel quickly becomes the school homosexual. It soon becomes an everyday part of school, and more and more people are approaching her. Talking to her. Asking her questions about how she knew she was gay, and if she played golf. Some are straight boys trying to turn her, I notice rather indignantly.

Most people are curious, but I see the bullies. There are less of them than I thought there would be, but they are still there, leaving Rachel anonymous letters, slipping them into her locker. It's always the worst when I see her read one, from a distance. I can guess roughly what they say by the way her face falls, but she always stays strong. Shakes it off and moves on.

I admire her more than ever. Her confidence and strength just makes her more beautiful, if that is possible. The more I admire her, the more I hate myself. To think I could have had her. She could have been mine, if only I had said "yes" when she asked if the picnic had been a date.

* * *

Rachel's POV

It's a Wednesday. I am walking to my surrogate mother's house from school. The authorities contacted her about a week ago, so I moved out of Santana's house. It was a bittersweet feeling. In some ways it was a relief, not having the awkward moments with Santana's dad, and knowing that Santana could go back to her house and not have to worry about this.

I don't like my mum much. She isn't mean, or cruel. She's just so distant and cold. She is at work most of the day, and gets home after I've gone to bed, usually leaving before I get up. But I'm grateful for the house. I am safe. I can't take that for granted. I just feel so... alone.

I turn a corner and almost walk into someone. "Woah, sorry!" I say suddenly. It's a girl, about my age, with stunning green eyes and short, platinum blonde hair. She is thin, and has full lips. She looks vaguely familiar. After the shock passes, she smiles.

"It's fine. Hey, you're Rachel Berry, right?" She says once she has looked me over. I blink.

"Ah, yes, that's me. Do I- know you?" I say, searching for her face in my memory.

"I don't think so, but we go to the same school. You've gotten pretty famous," she says light-heartedly.

"Right. Yeah. And you are...?" I smile now that I am sure I am not being rude by not remembering someone I have had a conversation with.

"Lucelyn." She extends her hand and I take it, my fingers lingering for a longer than they usually would.

"It's nice to meet you, Lucelyn." I feel a strange pull towards her. She has a vibe about her that makes me feel at ease immediately. I watch as Lucelyn notices my school bag.

"Oh, do you have to get home?" Her smile tightens slightly. I shake my head.

"There's nothing waiting for me there," I say truthfully, shrugging. I see Lucelyn relax as she bites her lip.

"Do you- did you want to get a coffee or something?" She is fidgeting, and she seems a bit nervous. I take in her appearance again- her denim jeans and loose T-shirt, and decide that a fresh start might be exactly what I need. My eyes soften and my smile broadens.

**"**Sure, why not?"

* * *

**Whew! What do you guys think about Anne's death and the new girl on the block, Lucelyn? Please tell me below. Massive thank you to CarolineSC, tinygleek, dayabieberxo, beaner008, Acceptance For All, Guest, QuinntanaEndgame, The-HeYa-Couch-Sees-All, JWilson18, BellaDora, Guest, Princess-N-xoxo, amazinglife18, Glee Girls, and Guest, you are incredible people and if you are still reading this, thanks for sticking around and I am so sorry! Love you all. Xoxo.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Hello! It's me! I am glad I am out of that writer's block phase. This chapter was interesting to write, and I hope you enjoy it. HUGE thanks to my awesome beta reader, RebeccaRipple. She is always giving me amazing advice, and is a big part of this story.**

**Disclaimer- I do not own Glee... If I did, there would have been a season finale actually worth watching.**

* * *

"Dearest Rachel-"

The words on the otherwise blank page taunt me as I tap my pen on the desk, trying to come up with the words that express exactly what I feel. But how can I do that, if I don't even know how I feel?

Rachel- well she has become everything to me. As much as I hate it- as much as I loathe myself for loving a girl- it's the simple truth. All I can think about when she's near me is how amazing she is- her laugh, her eyes, her voice... a little box of perfection, tied together with a smile.

When I'm not with her-, which is much more often than not nowadays-, I just think about her, and about seeing her again- even if it has been from a distance since I hurt her.

I want nothing more than to go back in time and stop myself saying every word that came out of my mouth that nig. The look on her face when I said those things replays in my mind every night. It cuts me to the core, but I can't get the image out of my mind.

When it happened, I felt so cruel, so horrible. I wanted to save Rachel from the pain while I was shouting, hold her close and tell her not to listen to the jerk who was too much of a coward to tell her how she really felt. It was such an out-of-body experience. I really wanted to hurt myself, beat up the person who was so cruel to the girl I loved.

I am distracted from my train of thought by the ringing of my phone. I reach over and pick it up, checking briefly the caller ID before I answer it.

"Hi Brittany." I say, trying my best so sound upbeat.

"Hey Sanny." Brittany sighs, and I know something is on her mind.

"What's up?" I ask quickly.

"Oh, it's a really good movie about a house and balloons. It has a dog in it I think-"

"I mean, why did you ring me?" I interrupt her, not in the mood for one of her rambles.

"You should apologize to Rachel." Clear, straight to the point. I've always liked that about Brittany, well, until now.

"Brittany, she's better off without me in her life."

"I don't believe that. You helped her smile. She didn't smile before you; I saw it. And sing. She didn't sing before she met you, too."

"Brittany, it's no use. She's just gunna-"

Brittany interrupts me. "She needs to know you're sorry."

"But what if I'm not? What if I'm not sorry I hurt her, huh? What if I'm glad she walked away because it hurts too damn much to have her near me 'cause I'm so God damn in love with her?" The line goes silent and I close my eyes, biting my lip.

After a few seconds of silence, Brittany starts to talk again.

"You're in pain, Santana, but you're also in love. Decide which one you want to last longer. And remember that now Rachel is hurting just as much as you, probably more, and it's your fault. You have the opportunity to fix that, so why won't you? Grow up Santana." The line goes dead, but it's about thirty seconds before I put down the phone. Brittany's words echo in my head, growing louder every second.

* * *

"What hobbies do you have?" I ask, smiling over my coffee at Lucelyn.

"I'm into shopping, make up, clothes, fashion and chasing after hot boys," she rattles off, not missing a beat. I almost choke on my drink. Boys? But I thought...

"Really?" I say, trying my best to mask the surprise in my voice.

A smile pulls at the side of her mouth and she laughs. "Just kidding. I'm gay." Her laugh is light and warm. It has somewhat of a calming effect on me.

I let out a breath, shaking my head. "You're a good liar." I comment.

"Mm, I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult." She tilts her head to one side.

"Oh, it's a compliment. I'm very impressed." I assure her, and she nods, smiling.

"Well, in that case, thank you."

I put my coffee down, and look around.

"Nice little place, isn't it?" I observe, admiring the sunny beach theme displayed around the cafe.

I can feel that Lucelyn is still looking at me, so I look back at her.

"Rachel..." she says in a small voice.

"Yes?"

"I like you. And I would- love to do this again sometime." She says in a questioning voice.

"That would be lovely." I take a breath. "I like you, too."

As I say the words, I can't help but think about a certain brunette, one I am still very much in love with, but has hurt me so much that it still makes me cry at night.

I look at Lucelyn and smile as she goes through her handbag- big and plain, which I like- and I realize that I do like her. I don't know what'll come of these feelings, but I know that I want to find out.

* * *

I get out my keys and unlock the door, pushing it open as I yawn. I rub my eyes and close the door. I smile slightly as I think of Lucelyn.

"How was your day?" The monotone, bored voice that greets me causes me to jump and look up.

"Shelby?" It's her. My surrogate mother. "What are you doing here?"

"Call me mom." Her tone softens. "It's my house."

I stare at her for a moment and then shrug. "You're usually just at work, is all." My tone is indifferent. I am not resentful. I have had to live under much worse conditions.

"Where have you been?" She asks, leaning against the wall in the hallway.

I slide the bag off my shoulder and look at her. "What do you mean? I was at school."

"School finished two hours ago." Her voice isn't accusing, simply curious, but I can't help but get defensive.

"I was- with a friend." My tone is harsh.

Shelby raises her eyebrows, but doesn't say anything.

"If the interrogation is over, I'm going to my bedroom." I know she doesn't deserve the rudeness, but aren't I allowed to be a bit annoyed? I walk off down the hallway, dragging my bag behind me. I can feel her gaze following me, but I don't look back.

* * *

Santana's POV- The next day

I am walking confidently down the hallways, at least, until I see Rachel. Then I get those butterflies in my stomach and I feel my face going slightly redder, and I stumble for a second. She looks so good. She's smiling, and she is wearing her hair differently. I take in her appearance, in a slight trance for a second. I swallow, and continue walking, in her direction.

When she sees me, her eyes widen, and her lips tighten. I know why. I shake my head slightly and stop before her.

"Santana. Hey," she says, looking at me in surprise.

"Hi. I- uh, just really, I mean, about that, its just-" I can't get my words straight, so I take in a deep breath and start again, trying to ignore the way Rachel is staring at me. "I want to say that I'm really sorry for the way I acted, on the picnic. I was so rude, and I just- I want you to know that you are really important to me, and I don't want to lose you."

There is a silence for a second, and I take this as a sign that she doesn't forgive me. I start to back away.

"Wait, Santana." Rachel says, biting her lip. "Thank you. You're forgiven. I miss you." She reaches out to touch my hand, smiling.

I can't believe what a relief this is, to have her forgive me. Maybe- Maybe I should...

"Rachel- I need to tell you something." I say suddenly, making up my mind.

"Me too! But- you first," Rachel gestures for me to talk. I shake my head.

"No, you go first." I insist. I am so excited by the thought of finally telling her how I feel, that I am smiling uncontrollably.

Rachel smiles. "Okay... Well, I met someone. A girl. She's really great. I think we may have something really good going." …What? My gaze slides from hers and I stare at the ground, my smile fading fast.

Rachel at me, her smile fading a bit too at my lack of enthusiasm. "What was it that you wanted to tell me?" I feel a lump grow in my throat as the tears swell in my eyes. I take a step away from Rachel and shake my head.

"Nothing. Just- forget about it."

* * *

**I am so sorry! My pen has a mind of its own. Please leave me a review to let me know what you thought. Huge thanks to ****CarolineSC, squidge86, The-HeYa-Couch-Sees-All, NERD GLEEK, Guest, Guest, JWilson18, amazinglife181, Princess-N-xoxo, Glee Girls, BellaDora Soulmates, and JustLikeBrookeDavis, you guys are awesome. You are the reason I write, and I really love reading what you think :)**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey! I'm so sorry I've taken so long to update, I've had exams and music camp and such. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Huge thanks to my friend and amazing beta-reader: RebeccaRipple, you are incredible as always.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.**

* * *

Santana's P.O.V

I don't know why I expected her to wait for me. I don't know why I thought she must have known that I had feelings for her. I ran away after she told me. Claiming to have a class, I turned away and ran from Rachel. I should be happy for her. She seems happy. No one deserves to be happy more than her. I guess I just kind of thought I would be the one to make her happy. Deep down, I know it's just me being selfish. Expecting her to drop everything for me, because I need her. After what I've put her through... I don't deserve her.

I find myself in the girl's bathroom. I look into the mirror and watch as the tears form in my eyes, but refuse to roll down my cheeks. I lock the bathroom door, so no one can see me like this. I lean against the tiled wall and sigh. I don't even know why I am so upset. I couldn't really have imagined she'd go out with me after what I did to her. All I know now is that I still love Rachel, but she doesn't love me back. Maybe she did once, but I've managed to ruin that, too. And now she is with someone else now, someone more worthy of her love, and there's nothing I can do.

Don't know what to do anymore

I've lost the only love worth fighting for

I'll drown in my tear storming sea,

That would show you, that would make you hurt like me

All the same

I don't want mudslinging games

It's such a shame

To let you walk away

Is there a chance?

A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?

A reason to fight?

Is there a chance you may change your mind?

Or are we ashes and wine?

Don't know if our fate's already sealed

This day's spinning circus on a wheel

I'm ill with the thought of your kiss

Coffee laced intoxicating on her lips

Shut it out

I've got no claim on you now

Not allowed to wear your freedom down

Is there a chance?

A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?

A reason to fight?

Is there a chance you may change your mind?

Or are we ashes and wine?

I'll tear myself away

That is what you need

There is nothing left to say

But

Is there a chance?

A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?

A reason to fight?

Is there a chance you may change your mind?

Or are we ashes and wine?

The day's still ashes and wine

Or are we ashes?

I dry my tears on the back of my sleeve and unlock the door. A few girls who had been waiting there throw me dirty looks as they come in, and I return their looks, hiding behind HBIC once again.

Rachel's P.O.V

I want to go after her. To tell her... I don't know what, exactly. I have nothing to be sorry for. I can't very well tell her that I'm in love with her. She just seems a bit distraught. I watch her run away. What did she want to tell me? She seemed so happy about whatever it was, and then she changed her mind. That's not like Santana. The Santana I know says what she thinks. Everything she thinks.

I am distracted from my thoughts by a gentle hand touching my arm. I turn my head to face her. Lucelyn. "You OK, Rachel?"

I nod, forcing a smile onto my face. "Yeah." Lucelyn smiles too, reassured, and slips her hand into mine. I can feel everyone's eyes on us and I feel myself go a bit red. We walk down the corridor and I hold my head high. I don't look at anyone, I just keep my eyes forward. As we pass the classroom I know Santana is in for this lesson, I sneak a look into the window. I can't seem to spot her. I stop walking as I scan the whole classroom. She's not there.

"Is something wrong?" Lucelyn looks at me, confused as to why I stopped walking. I shake my head.

"Nothing's wrong. Say, do you want to go out tonight? I know this really great Chinese place near my house we can go to." I say as I look into Lucelyn's eyes.

"Sounds great." Lucelyn says. She hesitates for a second and then closes the distance between us. Her lips touch mine and I find myself kissing her back. The kiss only lasts about 3 seconds, but it's nice. When I pull away, I see someone out of the corner of my eye. I turn my head, and see Santana. She is looking between me and Lucelyn, holding her books to her chest. Lucelyn follows my gaze and looks at Santana. Santana looks down and walks past us, into the classroom.

"C'mon. Let's go." I say, and I sigh as we walk away. Something was wrong with Santana. I am going to find out what it is.

Santana's P.O.V- Santana's Bedroom

I kick my copy of Jane Eyre across the floor. Lies. In real life, you don't get the person you love. There aren't any happy endings. You just watch as the person you love falls in love with someone else and holds their hand and kisses them, and you have to be happy for them because you love them. It's all my fault. I could've stopped this from happening. But I didn't, and now Rachel has someone else.

Speaking of that someone else, who is she? I walk over to my bookcase and pull out last year's yearbook. I assume she is in our year level. I flip through the pages, looking for her. She is pretty easy to find, being the only girl I've seen with hair that short, and blonde. When I spot her, I look down at the name. Lucelyn Martic. She is smiling in the photo and I close the book quickly.

Suddenly my regret turns to anger. Lucelyn Martic. What does she know about Rachel? What has she done to help her? Was she there when Rachel had no friends? Was she there when Rachel moved out of her abusive aunt's house? Was she there when Rachel needed a house to stay at? Or when she got slushied? My anger grows as I go on, but then fades again when a part of my brain says: "Was she there when Rachel asked you if you were on a date and you lashed out at her and watched as she crumbled?" I close my eyes, and try to stop these thoughts, but I can't. "Was she there when Rachel came out to the school?" Yes, she was. She was, and I wasn't. That's why she has Rachel, and I don't. Because I'm a coward.

I am interrupted from my thoughts by the ringing of my phone. I shake my head and pull out my phone, and answer it, not bothering to look at the caller's ID. "Hello?" I say impatiently.

"Santana." I hear the voice I know only too well. I almost choke.

"Rachel?" I say in disbelief.

"Already remove my number from your phone, huh?" Rachel says, her voice in a joking manner but I can hear the hurt in her voice.

"No, no. I just didn't look at my screen before I answered." I say quickly, not wanting Rachel to think I wanted to distance myself from her.

"Oh. Right." Rachel is quiet for a second and I can feel my heart beating faster. "Um, Santana? I am just calling to see if you are OK with me being with someone." There is concern in her voice.

"Of course I'm OK. Why wouldn't I be? You and Lucelyn seem like a really good couple. I'm happy for you." I say quickly.

"Wait, how do you know Lucelyn?" Rachel asks, the confusion evident in her voice. I gulp.

"She is in one of my classes." I lie, hanging onto every moment because I miss Rachel so much.

"Oh? Which one?" Why does Rachel care so much?

"Biology." I lie again, wanting to talk about something other than Lucelyn.

"Huh. Look, Santana, I've got to go now, but I'll see you soon, OK?"

"OK." I agree, silently cursing myself for letting her slip through my fingers again. The line goes dead.

Rachel's P.O.V

Biology? But Lucelyn is in my biology class. Santana isn't. Why would she lie to me about that? I don't know why I called her anyway. I guess I kind of wish she was a little more upset about me dating someone. A part of me just wants her to tell me that I can't be with Lucelyn because she loves me and we'll live happily ever after and... No. Lucelyn is great, and Santana will never return my feelings. She's made that quite clear to me. I sigh and look into my mirror as I apply my lipstick. When I am done, I just stare into the mirror and sigh. A lot has happened. I am no longer the scared girl who didn't have any friends. A part of me wishes I were.

Shelby enters my room and I stand up, looking her in the eye. "Where are you going?" she asks. I break eye contact and head out the door.

"On a date."

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**What did you think? I enjoyed writing this. Hopefully there will be a new chapter up soon. Big thank you to Guest, Princess-N-xoxo, dayabieberxo, Guest, Guest, amazinglife181, JWilson18, Guest, CarolineSC, BellaDora Soulmates and Maii025 for reviewing! You guys are so amazing and I love you all. Thank you so much for supporting my love of writing. Happy 20th Chapter, and please leave a review to celebrate 20 chapters. :)**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey! It's me! And I'm back with a 21st chapter! I really hope you enjoy this, it took me longer than usual to write, but I'm pleased with it, I guess. Thank you for being awesome, I love you all so much :D Huge thanks to my amazing Beta Reader, Rebecca Ripple, for always doing a marvellous job and giving the greatest advice**.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. If I did, the students wouldn't be allowed to graduate.**

* * *

Rachel's P.O.V.

The date is fun. I laugh and find myself having a really good time. I just wish Santana wasn't here to ruin it. No- not physically here. But in my mind, giving her opinion on everything. Comforting me as if I'm uncomfortable. But- I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. Lucelyn is beautiful, and so nice. She pulls out my chair for me when we reach the table and makes me blush with her sweet words. I laugh politely at her jokes and smile at her personality that shines through everything she does.

"My mum told me that she would keep my dad in check. She was great about it all. I feel bad sometimes that I got it so easy." As Lucelyn retells the story of how she came out, her eyes sparkle with tears. I reach forward and take her hand, but I don't look into her eyes. I just stare at our entwined fingers.

Lucelyn swallows, and I look up at her. "So, what about you? I- You haven't told me much about your family." She says in realisation. I'm pretty much a master at avoiding that topic.

I lower my head and clear my throat. "Not much to tell, really. I don't have parents." I am ashamed that I still clam up about this topic, even with Lucelyn. I see her eyes widen out of the corner of my eye. She is silent for a second and then takes my hand, which must have slipped away from hers at some point. She bites her lip.

"Um- When did they die?" She asks awkwardly. I shake my head to myself.

"They're not dead." 'Why do people always assume that death is the only possible explanation for someone not having any parents?' I think to myself. Lucelyn must be sensing how uncomfortable I am about this topic and drops it. 'Santana wouldn't have dropped it that easily.' A voice in my head says.

For the rest of the date we discuss primary school, and favourite TV shows. At some point I look into her eyes and realise that I am really lucky to have such a smart, kind, selfless and happy girlfriend. What else could there be? 'Santana.' The voice says. 'Shut up.' I tell it.

* * *

Santana's P.O.V

Suddenly they're everywhere. Every corridor, every classroom I see them- holding hands, or hugging or kissing. Even when they're not there, I expect them to be. I brace myself to see them every time I turn a corner. When I do see Rachel by herself, I can't bring myself to talk to her. I find myself staring at her and I look away because I can't do that. When I see Lucelyn by herself, my blood boils and I want to- I don't even know what I would do to her if I could.

The thought of having Rachel crosses my mind every day. What if it were me, holding her hand, feeling her arms around me. What if I were the one she kissed, because she is madly in love with me. Reality hits harder each time. The only reason I'm not going insane is because Brittany manages to keep all three of us in touch. We may not have been as close as we were before, but at least we are not completely cut off from each other. Maybe that would have been better.

* * *

I am walking to my locker when I see Lucelyn. Without Rachel. Just walking with her books, casually, a smile on her face. Well, who wouldn't be if they had Rachel? Something snaps in me and I step in front of her, blocking her. She is so surprised that she almost drops her books, but steadies herself just in time. What a shame.

"Lucy, is it?" I say, getting her name wrong on purpose. I continue before she can correct me. "Look, I know you're going out with Rachel. I know you like her. Who wouldn't? She's beautiful, smart, funny, lovely and innocent. But you listen here. If you hurt her, don't bother coming back to this school. I can make your life a living hell." The words come out colder than I expected them to, but I don't waver. "Do I make myself clear?" My voice is dangerously soft, and for the first time in a very long time, I feel in control.

Lucelyn nods, her eyes wide. I smirk and turn on my heel, walking in the opposite direction. I turn the corner and see Rachel walking in the direction I came from, and I lower my head, avoiding eye contact. Suddenly I almost regret what I did. Almost.

* * *

Rachel's P.O.V

I turn my head as I pass Santana, staring at her as she walks down the hallway. Not looking at where I am going, I bump into someone. I turn back around to see who it is.

"I'm so sor- Oh, sorry Lucelyn." I smile when I see who it is, hoping she didn't catch me staring at Santana. Apparently she did, because she is looking in the direction I had been looking just seconds previous, a melancholy expression on her face.

"Lucelyn... What's wrong?" I say softly, biting my lip and staring up at her face.

"You like her, don't you? Even if it's just a little." She doesn't look at me and I touch her arm. She leans away slowly.

"I- um." I don't want to lie to Lucelyn. I really don't. She would never lie to me and I really like what we have. So I tell the truth. Half the truth, anyway.

"I have had feelings for her, in the past. But there's nothing left of that. There's only one person I have any sort of crush on now, and that's you." I look at her and finally her eyes meet mine. I smile to convince her. She studies my face and my smile fades slightly. It's a while before either of us say anything.

"I don't believe that there's nothing left of your feelings for her." My smile vanishes completely. "But- I do believe that you and I are really good together and as long as we are faithful and truthful to each other, we can make this work. This- this is worth fighting for."

I nod solemnly and Lucelyn tentatively puts her arms around me. I rest my head on her shoulder and hug her back. "I- um, want to do something for you." I say softly into her ear.

"Yeah?" Lucelyn pulls back and smiles, and my face relaxes, although her smile is still somewhat restrained.

"Yeah." I make up my mind, nodding. I take her hand and lead her to the auditorium.

"What are we doing here?" Lucelyn says, frowning. I check to see that it is empty and then enter, leading her to one of the seats.

"Just a second." I say as I run up the stairs to the stage two at a time. I stand in the center of the stage and grin down at my girlfriend. I clear my throat and, even though I'm a bit worried that she might be scared off by some of the lyrics, start singing.

She and I had something beautiful

But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last

I loved her so but I let her go

'Cause I knew she'd never love me back

Such pain as this

Shouldn't have to be experienced

I'm still reeling from the loss,

Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though she's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different

And I'm enjoying it cautiously

I'm battle scarred,

But I am working oh so hard

To get back to who I used to be

She's disappearing, fading steadily

Well, I'm so close to being yours,

Won't you stay with me, please

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though she's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you

I only know that

I am better where you are

I only know that

I am better where you are

I only know that I belong

Where you are

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though she's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you

I finish the song, knowing that every word is true. I didn't want to lie to Lucelyn, and now I have told her exactly how I feel in the best way I know how. I step down from the stage and stand in front of Lucelyn. "What did you think?" I say, unable to read her expression.

"It was beautiful. Not just your voice, the lyrics were great, too, and it was just- perfect. Thank you." She smiles at me again and I smile back, out of habit. I want to be completely truthful with her, but that doesn't mean I should tell her that I wish Santana had been there to hear me sing so she'd know how I felt, too.

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**I hope you enjoyed it, and read the lyrics, as I felt they fit really well and meant a lot. Thank you SO MUCH TO: Guest, JustLikeBrookeDavis, JWilson18, snowdrop1026, RachArchangels, cburton1995, BroadwayTheaterGleek, CarolineSC, EbOnY998, Anonymouse (Guest), BellaDora Soulmates and Atsirk Enoh. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I feel so happy when I see an email saying I have a new review. You have know idea how happy it makes me to know that you like what I'm writing. So Thanks! You review, and I'll have a new chapter up soon. Deal? ;)**


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